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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23858371">phoenix</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/xiomarisol/pseuds/xiomarisol'>xiomarisol</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Hunger Games Series - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Domestic Violence, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, OOC katniss tbh, PTSD, Post-Series, literally every character has PTSD, this is a repost from 2014 when life was good</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2016-04-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 22:02:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>25,781</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23858371</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/xiomarisol/pseuds/xiomarisol</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Johanna never wanted to care about Katniss Everdeen, hell, she never even wanted to <em>like </em>Katniss Everdeen. It was so much easier to hate the girl on fire with her stupid insufferable tacky little romance. Yet here they were, intertwined inside the sheets.<br/>-<br/>or, katniss shows up on johanna’s doorstep and changes the game for both of them.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Katniss Everdeen/Johanna Mason</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>62</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. part one: define normal</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Johanna sat up in her bed, drenched in sweat and reached for her knife on instinct. With tired eyes, she scanned the room which was still cloaked in darkness and cool with the early morning air. She sighed and brushed her sleep-tangled hair off of her face. She tried to reason with herself, <em>it was just the wind,</em> but still she could feel the fear coursing through her veins and she knew that her body would not let her rest until she investigated the source of the noise. She readjusted her grip on the knife, the handle was cold against her skin. She untangled her legs from the sheets that ley twisted painfully around her from a sleepless night. Her joints cracked painfully when her feet touched the cold hardwood floor. With one last crack, she began her descent down the stairs. The banging resonated through the house once more. Startled, Johanna slipped on the last stair, her hand reached out to the wall to steady herself, the knife in her hand cutting a nasty gouge in the wall.</p><p><em>This better be fucking important,</em> Johanna thought. She was irritated, and she had hardly been getting enough sleep as it was without people waking her. As if in response to her complaints, the pounding on the door became louder and more urgent. Johanna scrambled forward dizzily and flung open the solid redwood door. “What? Who the fuck-” her exasperation turned to confusion as she took in the sight before her. A familiar face stood before her, her cheeks hollow and a dark disheveled braid slung lazily over her shoulder.</p><p>“Katniss?” Johanna raked her fingers through her hair because, seriously, what the fuck? She could feel hard grey eyes.</p><p>“Johanna,” Katniss answered, her voice sounded thin and strained. She stood before Johanna in a light yellow dress, torn and frayed at the edges. Katniss appeared wan and underfed, Johanna didn’t know if that was because of long sleepless nights or because of the exhaustion from the journey here. Katniss’ eyes looked as if they were far away, and even though Katniss had said her name aloud, Johanna didn’t know whether or not Katniss knew about the situation she was in. Johanna couldn’t help but feel a little concerned for Katniss, not because she actually <em>cared</em> about her, but because she didn’t want to have a dead body lying on her doorstep. Surely, that would alert someone.</p><p>Katniss’ eyes began to flicker slightly, and Johanna could practically see her eyelids drooping. Katniss’ body began to go limp and Johanna tried to catch her. The angle at which she was holding Katniss’ limp body was awkward and a Johanna’s arms quickly got tired, but it wasn’t like she could just leave her body lying on the doorstep. Johanna attempted to drag Katniss’ unconscious body inside, only being able to get her to the couch.</p><p>Johanna didn’t really know what to do. She had never been trained in anything medical except for herself, in the arena. If someone else had fainted there, she would have just called it an easy kill and moved on. Because you can’t stay hung up on those types of things, Johanna had lost count of how many times he had woke up in a fit because she dreamt of the faces of the children that she killed. In retrospect, she thinks she might have been doing them a favor. She had saved them from this life, it was a life of isolation and of regret. She thinks that maybe by plunging a knife into their chests she might have saved them, the life of a victor is never what it is cut out to be. The Capitol may douse you in riches and ravishing jewels and dresses, but truth is that the entire front that the Capitol was in an illusion. Even with the Hunger Games discontinued, the struggle still continued. There were always constant reminders of the arena, everywhere Johanna turned she saw the faces of the fallen tributes.</p><p>She heard a groan, pulling her out of her internal monologue. She suddenly remembered the situation she was in. She walked over to the bathroom and ran a bath for Katniss. The girl didn’t seem to have any injuries, and Johanna didn’t really know what to do with her. She picked Katniss up from the couch, carrying her bridal style to her bedroom. Johanna’s arms were kind of achy but Katniss was surprisingly light and Johanna was able to successfully get her up the stairs only faltering a couple times (And nearly killing both of them.) Johanna walked into the bathroom that was connected to her bedroom, checking to see if the water was warm. It was, and she walked back into her bedroom to find Katniss stirring.</p><p>Johanna stripped Katniss of her tattered dress and undid the braid in her hair. Katniss was filthy, her skin was dirty and her hair was dusty and she looked as if she had never won the Hunger Games in the first place. Her ribcage was visible and her bones stuck out oddly, her bare feet were streaked with mud. Johanna went to her closet and picked up some sweatpants and one of her old T-Shirts. She didn’t understand how Katniss would end up <em>here</em>, of all places, in District Seven. In her house. Johanna stripped Katniss of her clothes and carried her to the bathroom, she placed Katniss in the tub and noticed how small and unhealthy Katniss looked. Katniss began to stir in the water, her eyelids fluttering. She woke hazily and looked around, obviously unaware of her surroundings. When her eyes caught onto Johanna, she quickly jumped and tried to cover herself with her hands.</p><p>Johanna chuckled, “Well, you must be okay now if you’re getting shy.” Katniss blushed a deep red, pulling her knees to her chest. Johanna noticed that she still looked a bit disoriented and went into the kitchen to get her a glass of water. Johanna had so many questions that she wanted to ask Katniss. Because, <em>seriously</em>, when someone you haven’t seen in years knocks on your door and looks worse than death, you’re going to want some answers. Johanna walked back into the bathroom and handed Katniss the glass, which she took graciously and rummaged around for a towel. She handed her the towel and clothes before walking out of the bathroom to give her some privacy. Sure, it wasn’t anything she hadn’t seen before, but Katniss seemed a little shaken up by whatever brought her here and Johanna really didn’t want to have to deal with that.</p><p>She lied down on her bed and wondered where Katniss’ life had brought her. God knows Johanna’s life was fairly the same, she liked everything being the same. Same house, same bed, same Johanna. The only thing that changed was that she didn’t have to go back and train kids to kill every year. She didn’t realize how tired she was until she was lying down and she didn’t even realize her eyelids fluttering closed.</p><p>Johanna pictured Katniss and wondered if the games would ever really stop for either of them.</p><p>-</p><p>Johanna woke to water dripping on her face.</p><p>“You’re dripping on me!” She said angrily, but her face softened when she saw the hurt look on Katniss’ face.</p><p>“I’m sorry.” Katniss said, and the tone of her voice stirred Johanna from mostly asleep to kind-of awake. Katniss looked better, less weak but still very exhausted. There was numbness in her eyes and a kind of unfamiliar awkwardness in her posture.</p><p>“Can I help you with something or are you just going to continue being creepy?” Johanna said, trying to sound irritated although in reality, she was very concerned.</p><p>“I um… I don’t know what I’m doing.” Katniss said, her voice hoarse and strained.</p><p>“Catnip, you’re interrupting my nap.” Johanna said, noticing the way Katniss flinched at the old nickname. She scooted over to the other side of the mattress and lifted up the blankets.</p><p>“Come on, get in.”</p><p>“Johanna…” Katniss said tentatively.</p><p>“Just get in.” Johanna said, she really needed to sleep off a long day before she could dive into whatever drove Katniss from Peeta’s bed into hers. A moment later she felt the mattress dip and a warm body lie down next to hers.</p><p>“Hey, Johanna?” She heard a soft voice pulling her out of her dream-like state.</p><p>“Mm?” She answered, not fully awake.</p><p>“What did they do to you… in the Capitol?” Katniss asked tentatively. The question surprised Johanna, and silence hung in the air for a few minutes. Johanna didn’t like to think about what they made her do, those thoughts were reserved only for long restless nights and hidden in the deepest crevices of her mind. She tried to forget those months of anguish, but she could never forget something so traumatic.</p><p>“You could never imagine.” Johanna finally said, staring at the wall.</p><p>“I’m sorry.” Katniss said from behind her.</p><p>“Don’t be. Staying hung up on the past only causes trouble.”</p><p>“Do you… Do you think you’ll ever be normal again?” Katniss murmured, her voice unusually soft.</p><p>“Define ‘normal” Johanna said, and it was true. She could never be like she was before the games. Being picked from that stupid bowl had fucked her up beyond repair.</p><p>“Touché” Katniss answered.</p><p>-</p><p>Sleep came easy and her dreams stayed quiet, there was no blood and no fire, Finnick’s smile did not give way to Snow’s and the water never came. Johanna woke a few hours later and was surprised to find her limbs intertwined with those of another person, she opened her eyes and examined the face of the girl who was pressed against her. It was ironic, that two people who were so detached in real life to seek comfort sought it naturally while unconscious. Johanna never wanted to care about Katniss Everdeen, hell, she never even wanted to <em>like </em>Katniss Everdeen. It was so much easier to hate the girl on fire with her stupid insufferable tacky little romance. Yet here they were, intertwined inside the sheets. They were friends. Had been, maybe could be again? Johanna stirred a little in the bed, pulling her leg out from underneath the sleeping brunette.</p><p>“Your move, Everdeen. I don’t think I know how to play this game.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. part two: wood and fire</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Johanna swung her legs over the edge of the bed, careful not to wake the sleeping Katniss who was still snoring softly underneath the covers. The wood floor was cold beneath her bare feet and she hissed as she began walking downstairs. She was still confused as to what had happened the night before. She walked over to the bathroom, turning on the shower and letting the warm water spray out of the shower head. Johanna stripped herself of her clothes and stood beneath the spout.</p>
<p><em>What the hell happened last night?</em> she thought massaging shampoo into her skull. She didn’t know why Katniss suddenly decided to show up on her doorstep looking like she hadn’t ate in years. Johanna had a lot of questions to ask, but feelings were not something she could do on an empty stomach (or sober for that matter.) If there was a number one feeling in her head right then, it would have probably been confusion. Johanna was confused as to why Katniss was at her house, why she wasn’t shoving her tongue down lover boy’s throat, and why she actually kind of liked sleeping in the same bed as Katniss (if you tell anyone, she’ll kill you.) She was confused as to why she was actually a little <em>jealous.</em> Not of Katniss… but of Peeta. Oh god, that sounds terrible. But she was just thinking, <em>why would Peeta get Katniss?</em></p>
<p>Because, let’s face it, they’re terrible for each other. Bread and fire don’t go together. Fire burns bread, neither fire nor bread benefit from being together. But wood… wood helps fire burn. So why does Peeta… she means, the bread, get the damn fire? Johanna shook her head, trying to rid herself of the thoughts plaguing her mind. She couldn’t think that way, not when she was naked, not when the fire was in the next room sleeping.</p>
<p>She walked out from beneath the warm spray, wrapping a red towel around herself. She didn’t know why she chose that one. She didn’t like red, it was the color of blood. Of the blood rain that choked her and made her gag. It was the color of the blood that stained her hands far after she washed it off. Johanna tried not to think about it too much. Johanna had thought that maybe the shower would have cleared her mind, but she walked out of the bathroom feeling more confused than when she came in. To be fair, when she came in she was very tired and only half awake, but still.</p>
<p>She strutted lazily over to her closet, pulling out some tiny shorts and a sports bra. It was hot, and Katniss or no Katniss, she wasn’t about to burn alive. She looked out of the slightly drawn blinds as she changed, it was weirdly humid and hot for March. Johanna walked downstairs and over to the kitchen as she tried to make pancakes. Despite popular belief, Johanna <em>could</em> cook, she just preferred not to because <em>duh</em>, if the Capitol was going to give you your own chef, you might as well use that motherfucker. But, of course, after the rebellion, that chef was set free to cook for pigeons or whatever the hell it is that chefs do for fun. Johanna didn’t care. The only mouth that she really had to feed was her own.</p>
<p>She danced around the kitchen as she cooked, humming a low lullaby that her mother had taught her. For a long time, she could not bear to sing that lullaby, or even think of it for that matter. It was too hard. The Capitol had ripped everyone that she loved away from her. All because of her, she could have prevented it, but she had a hot temper and a big mouth and she was never one to follow orders. Johanna had taken all of their shit when she was in the games, keeping her mouth shut so they’d believe she was weak. She had pretended to be most mediocre with the axes, and sure enough, there they were at the mouth of the cornucopia.</p>
<p>She was broken out of her thought by a bloodcurdling scream. <em>Katniss,</em> she thought as she sprinted up the stairs. She didn’t even know why she was running so fast or why she cared so much, it wasn’t like she… <em>cared</em> about the girl on fire. Ha… now <em>that</em> would be a sight to see, wouldn’t it? Johanna tried to tell herself that she didn’t care about Katniss but at the end of the day, there she was, sprinting up the stairs to reach her.</p>
<p>Katniss was twisting and turning in bed, the sheets were completely on the floor. Her face was ghostly pale and her matted hair stuck to her face and neck. Johanna stepped cautiously toward the writhing woman, placing a light hand on her shoulder.</p>
<p>“<em>Katniss…”</em> Johanna whispered tentatively. Katniss whimpered underneath the foreign touch and twisted away from Johanna’s hand. Johanna quickly drew back her hand as she realized that Katniss thought she was somebody else.</p>
<p><em>“Peeta!”</em> Katniss whimpered, tears streaming down her pale cheeks. Johanna was scared. She had had her own fair share of nightmares in her years, but she had never ever had to witness someone having one. She had been blatantly unaware of how scary it actually was to watch someone have a fit.</p>
<p>“Katniss,” she said again, this time more decidedly. Johanna didn’t know what to do, she knew that Katniss would wake up and that nobody could actually die from having a nightmare, but <em>god</em> it is really frightening to watch someone yell in their sleep. Without thinking, Johanna grabbed the glass of water that was on the nightstand and threw the water on Katniss’ face. Katniss sat up abruptly, gasping and panting.</p>
<p>“Are you okay?” Johanna said, and even she noticed that her own voice had gone un-Johanna like. It was soft, and sounded a little concerned.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry.” Katniss said, looking slightly ashamed. Her head was hung low and even though her eyes were downcast, Johanna could see them shimmering slightly with unshed tears. Johanna thought she looked absolutely heartbreaking, which was strange in itself because Johanna prided herself in not having a heart, but yet here she was feeling like it was breaking. Maybe she wasn’t feeling heartbroken because she cared about Katniss… maybe it was just because she could relate. She, too, had woken up screaming because of the demons that showed themselves in her dreams.</p>
<p>“It’s okay, Catnip.” Johanna said, some of her signature edge returning to her voice. Katniss blinked a few times, fat droplets of water escaping out of the corners of her eyes. She looked sadly small as she lay in the bed. Johanna was on autopilot, she didn’t register many of her movements until it was too late. She stepped forward with her arms outstretched and before she could think <em>‘stop’ </em>she was holding a sobbing Katniss in her arms. Johanna brushed her matted hair away from her face, trying to figure out her next move. If it was the games, she would have had I calculated. If she was in the games, she would know exactly what to do next. But she wasn’t in the arena, she was in her bedroom, holding a crying Katniss Everdeen to her chest.</p>
<p>When she was little and she would cry, her mother would sing her a lullaby. She figured that embarrassing herself by singing would be much better than saying nothing.</p>
<p>
  <em>Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>There’s a land that I heard of once in a lullaby</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.</em>
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>Someday I’ll wish upon a star</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>And wake up where the clouds are far behind me</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Where troubles melt like lemon drops</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Away above the chimney tops</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>That’s where you’ll find me</em>
</p>
<p>Johanna’s voice died out softly as Katniss cries turned to whimpers.</p>
<p>“My dad used to sing that to me and Prim. That was Prim’s favorite when we were little.” Katniss said, and Johanna couldn’t help but think that she had screwed it up. She knew that Prim was a very delicate subject for Katniss, and it just so happened that the only lullaby she actually knew seemed to be one to remind her of Prim.</p>
<p>“It’s a really good thing that you aren’t a singer, Johanna.” Katniss said jokingly, and Johanna knew that there was nothing wrong with that song. She knew that Katniss wasn’t offended because Johanna sang that, which was good because Johanna wasn’t sure how long Katniss would be staying.</p>
<p>“Okay,” Johanna said, taking her arms off from where they were placed around Katniss’ waist. She stood up, leaving a sullen Katniss sitting on the bed. “I’m going to go eat my pancakes. You’re welcome to join me when you get over your fit, Catnip.”</p>
<p>Johanna walked off, stopping at the door.</p>
<p>“Oh, and Katniss?” Johanna said, smirking.</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“I’m an amazing singer.” Johanna said matter-of-factly before sashaying out, knowing full well that she looked pretty damn hot in her outfit. As she walked out, she saw a small smile playing on Katniss’ lips, and was very happy with herself for putting it there.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. part three: nine steps ahead</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“It is surely harmful to souls to love people who make it a habit to kick you while you are bruised.”</em>
</p>
<p>Johanna walked downstairs, feeling both sad and strangely content with herself. Her pancakes had been messily discarded and sat cold on the edge of the counter. The stove was still running and the smell of gas filled Johanna’s nostrils as she threw the pancakes away. She silently began to make coffee as she pondered over what happened. Johanna didn’t know whether or not she should ask Katniss to talk about it. She didn’t want to push Katniss because she would hate for somebody to push <em>her</em> to talk about feelings. But she was pretty goddamn curious and Katniss was staying at her house, <em>for god’s sake, </em>she deserved to know what the hell had driven her from her own home and into hers.</p>
<p>She poured her coffee in a cup and thanked whoever was up there for this heavenly drink. Before the games, she had never even had a sip of coffee but after it, it was simply something she could not live without. It helped her get up in the morning on the days when she had a nightmare and slept about three minutes total. She sat a chair and gazed solemnly outside the window, there was a blue jay perched on a nearby branch and she wondered how something so simple could be so beautiful. There was nothing special about the blue jay, or about the branch, it just <em>was</em> and there was something comforting to Johanna about something that would simply just <em>be.</em></p>
<p>The day was devastatingly hot, and even though Johanna was wearing almost no clothes, she could feel her hair begin to stick to her forehead. She silently sipped her coffee as she continued to think about everything. She knows that she must have thought many things in those few minutes, but they were moments so odd that they almost completely blanked from her mind. Those minutes went devastatingly slow for Johanna, and yet they passed by in a flash. She still does not know how that could be.</p>
<p>She heard footsteps walk slowly down the stairs. She knew that Katniss was walking down by the way that she walked with her feet barely even touching the ground. She had a tendency to walk with such grace that it baffled Johanna how anyone could ever had called her graceless and sloppy. Katniss didn’t even walk sometimes- no, she glided. She would move as if the wind could carry her away, and even when she was on concrete floors she acted as if she stepped to hard the leaves would crackle underneath the soles of her feet.</p>
<p>“Hi.” Katniss said softly as she sat in the chair across from Johanna. She looked rather sad, as she sat down, and even as a soft smile played upon her lips, Johanna could see her eyes glistening with unshed tears underneath her bangs. Her eyes reminded her of her own when her parents died, and for a second she was scared that something had happened to Peeta. God knows that Katniss could ever take something like that, not after Prim. Not after her father. Johanna was slightly frightened that Peeta had died, because she knew that Katniss loved him to the point where she would do anything for him.</p>
<p>She didn’t particularly like Peeta (or the idea of Peeta and Katniss together for that matter,) but that didn’t mean that she wanted him dead. She might be a little cruel but she isn’t heartless. Peeta wasn’t somebody that Johanna particularly liked, he was so sweet and he always looked at Katniss with such googly whipped eyes that Johanna wanted to jump in front of a bus every time she heard one of his little loveable remarks, but he was a nice guy.</p>
<p>“Hi.” She said back, her response sounding a lot softer than she meant it to sound. She feared that she had grown a soft spot for Katniss Everdeen, she reminded her so much of her childhood best friend that she didn’t know how to be cold to her anymore. Rosemary was a lot like Katniss, born into the poor sectors of her district. Her mother had died giving birth to Rosemary’s little brother and Rosemary had been the one to take care of him ever since. Johanna and Rosemary were close as kids, and it was to the point where Rosemary and Axel spent more time at Johanna’s house than at their own. Their father had lost his shit after their mother had died, and neither of them could bear to see his empty eyes as they stared coldly at Axel. They had been hit by a mob of Peacekeepers one day on their way to the Mason’s.</p>
<p>Johanna never saw them again.</p>
<p>The Capitol had stripped her of them, the way that they had stripped her of everyone that she loved. They had taken Rosemary from her and they had never felt remorse about it. They had taken Prim from Katniss without a second thought and Johanna could not bear to think of Katniss being hurt again. Katniss cleared her throat, pulling Johanna out of her monologue.</p>
<p>“Do you- Do you want to talk about it?” Johanna said, and even before she opened her mouth Johanna could tell what her answer would be.</p>
<p>“No.” Katniss said, but Johanna knew by the way that her brow creased that even though she was too proud to seek comfort, she wanted it. Johanna and Katniss were a lot alike. A lot of times when they needed someone the most, they would push them away with cold remarks and silent treatments. Lucky for Katniss, Johanna was one step ahead.</p>
<p>“I know you want to Katniss.”</p>
<p>“I’d really rather not, Johanna.” Katniss snarked back and it tuned into a full-on staring contest until Johanna noticed how absolutely stupid and childish they were both being. This seemed like something that Johanna would have done with Rose back in Seven and it make her heart ache to think of it. She and Rose used to argue about the silliest things and then have a staring contest until both of them would burst into a fir of giggles. Johanna felt her own eyes begin to mist over and quickly looked down to prevent any tears from spilling over.</p>
<p>“Why do you have to be so fucking difficult Katniss? I know you want to talk about it. You have this tendency to bottle everything up and let me tell you now that it doesn’t work. You will keep everything so tightly locked inside until you choke on the words that you never said.”</p>
<p>“Peeta.” Katniss said simply, and Johanna’s mind instantly went to the worst possibility. She wondered how and when and why and so many things she couldn’t even process before she collected herself and simply uttered one word,</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“The nightmare. It was about Peeta, happy? Is that what you wanted?” Katniss said and the tears that were pooling in her eye sockets spilled frantically over the edges of her lids. Johanna felt her chest ache in a way that she had only ever felt with one person before, and she was on autopilot again. She felt herself gravitating towards Katniss and before she knew it Katniss was in her arms again, crying shamelessly into her shoulder.</p>
<p>“Did something happen to him?” Johanna said, preparing herself for the worst.</p>
<p>“It’s- um, in the Capitol. They h-hurt him and he can’t- he can’t control where he thinks that he is. Th-there have been um times where he’s thought he’s in the Capitol and he often doesn’t even know who I am. He- he has thought that I’m a peacekeeper and he has lunged himself at me.” Katniss finished with a heavy breath and Johanna felt herself fuming. She had expected something else, but never this. In the arena, she always thought that Peeta would be the first to go because of his inability to hurt anyone. She understood though, why Peeta would do it. Even if it was in a sick and twisted way, she understood it. It made him feel in control when he thought that he was at the mercy of the Capitol. She just hated the fact that he could bring himself to hurt Katniss. He was not like this, she knew that. She knew that this was probably Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and that Peeta was not himself, and yet, she could not bring herself to not hate him. She absolutely despised him for trying to hurt her, whether it was intentional or not.</p>
<p>“What. The. Actual. Fuck?” Johanna said, the anger in her voice resonating of the sultry tones. She sounded protective to the point where Katniss was a little confused. Johanna knew that there was no logical reason for her to be angry, but that’s the thing, it doesn’t matter, because once Johanna Mason is angry… well, let’s just say that it isn’t pretty.</p>
<p>“Johanna, look, it’s okay. He- he never knew it was me and he wasn’t himself. I wasn’t going to let it keep happening because as much as I love him I wouldn’t want to do that. I couldn’t stay with him.” Katniss pleaded, but all Johanna heard was that Peeta had <em>hurt </em>her and by the tone of it, he had been doing it for a while, too.</p>
<p>“How. Long?” Johanna said, gritting her teeth and trying to keep her anger under control.</p>
<p>“A- A couple months.” Katniss said, and Johanna did not miss the look of shame that crosses her features. Johanna knew that Katniss should not be ashamed, for she did nothing wrong. But she also knew that Katniss was proud and that there was no way that she would never admit to it.</p>
<p>“Seriously, Katniss? You know how to defend yourself, why would you just take something so <em>stupid?</em> You could have defended yourself, but no, you just took it. Why would you do that?” Johanna was mod now, probably more mad than she had been in a while (at least while sober.)</p>
<p>“Johanna, you of all people know what they did to him in the Capitol! I didn’t expect him to go through all that and be <em>normal.</em> I knew what I was getting myself in to. I love him- and we- we <em>can </em>make it through this. I just- I needed some time away from him to figure things out. I just- I don’t even know what to <em>do </em>anymore. I love him- I do, but I don’t know what the right thing to do is anymore.”</p>
<p>Johanna wrapped her arms tighter around Katniss’ thin body as she tried to think of the right thing to say. Granted, she knew that nothing she could say could have made it better in that moment, because Katniss and Peeta’s love story had just gotten so twisted that Johanna was worried that they might never really be able to straighten it out.</p>
<p>“You can’t stay with Peeta, Kat. You- I know that you love him, and I know that he loves you- but sometimes even that isn’t enough to right a wrong. I’m not saying to stay away from him forever. But you have to- at least for a little while. You need to figure things out.” Johanna said, the edge leaving her voice completely as she sat with her arms awkwardly around Katniss. She knew that she would totally lose her badass reputation if anyone ever got a hold of this.</p>
<p>Katniss smiled as she looked up at Johanna.</p>
<p>“What’s got you so cheery?” Johanna said teasingly, resisting the urge to pinch Katniss’ cheeks or ‘boop’ her nose. Johanna didn’t think that she’d ever wanted to ‘boop’ anybody’s nose before.</p>
<p>“You called me Kat. I like it.” Katniss said, smiling softly at Johanna.</p>
<p>“I like it too, Kat.” Johanna said, smiling incredibly softly back at Katniss. She liked being this soft with someone, she hadn’t been this soft with anyone since- well, you know. But Katniss, she’s something different. And not only in the obvious <em>Duh-she’s-the-Mockingjay</em> ways but in the little ways too, the little things that she does that are just so different than the way that everyone else does them.</p>
<p>“I think I’ll stay here for a while, Jo. And yes, I’m calling you Jo now, because now we can both have cute nicknames. I like Jo.” Katniss was obviously trying to not make a big deal of what she had just told Johanna, and for once Johanna was actually pretty okay with that. She’d had too many feelings for one day anything and she didn’t really know how much more she could take before things got messy.</p>
<p>God, she needs vodka.</p>
<p>“Kat, let’s go make Haymitch proud.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. part four: terrible, horrible, bad idea</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“She wants to feel that fire, the brightness of the moon, so she searches for light, only to realize that it’s in her, like an ember equipped to ignite.”</em>
</p><p>Johanna awoke to the sound of someone retching in the bathroom. <em>Must have really done a number last night, </em>she thought, peeling the covers from her body as she turned and saw a Katniss-shaped dip in the bed where Katniss should have been. It wasn’t until she swung her legs over the edge of the bed and they hit the cold floor that she realized how hard her head was pounding. It was like a hammer was literally being pounded over and over into her head. She stood up from the bed and a wave of nausea came over her. She suppressed the bile that rose into her throat as she began to walk on shaky legs towards the bathroom, where Katniss was already throwing up into the toilet.</p><p>When she looked into the mirror she saw her hair sticking up in a million different directions, her eyes were bloodshot in such a manner that they would have made Haymitch proud. She should have figured that drinking herself into near oblivion with her kind-of-friend was never going to be a good idea. She didn’t remember exactly what had happened the night before, but of what she did remember, she just cried a lot over how there was only one Tulip in the garden.</p><p>Dizziness came over her and she nearly had to sit down on the floor. She felt nearly dead and she wasn’t even sure how she could keep her eyes open. If she had woken up like this any other day she would have probably continued to lie in bed while praying to God that her head would stop hurting soon. But, for whatever insane reason, she kind of felt like she had to take care of Katniss. That almost scared Johanna out of her wits in itself because she had never really felt any kind of caring for anyone ever since Rosemary.</p><p>Ever since Rose, Johanna had tried to close herself off from everyone to the point where she had made herself numb to any emotion. She has always been thankful for that, because she thinks that it is the only thing to keep her relatively sane. She could have never survived killing all those people in the arena if she was not numb- numb and angry. For some reason, she feels like she has Rosemary to thank for making her a victor. She needed to get back at the Capitol for that, the games were Johanna’s one opportunity to do that.</p><p>She was sad as she pulled herself back into reality, sad and angry and hurting and hung-over. All in all, it was a pretty bad combination for Johanna Mason. She walked into the bathroom, sitting herself on the floor. She was shuddering slightly and her knees were shaking and she wasn’t sure if she would be able to get up in a really, really long while. Katniss was hunched over the toilet slightly, but no longer dry-heaving. Johanna supposed that that was a pretty good sign.</p><p>They both sat there for a long time, and neither of them really said a word, there was really no use for words in that moment. They had both obviously made some pretty sucky decisions the night before, and neither of them really wanted to shine any more light on that situation.</p><p>It wasn’t until Katniss stood up from her own position on the floor that Johanna felt secure enough to stand up on her shaky legs without puking all over the bathroom floor. She walked painfully slowly to the exit with Katniss by her side and they both walked slowly down the stairs. At that moment Johanna decided that above anything else, she needed coffee. Coffee and aspirin.</p><p>God, that sounded wonderful.</p><p>Johanna opened the curtains in the living room, and saw that it was way too light for just having woke up. The sun was up, and once again it there was a wave of sweltering heat that blew over the living room. Katniss sat down at one of the stools and rested her head on the counter.</p><p>“Sorry, Kat, but I don’t think that banging your head on the counter will make your headache go away. Trust me, I’ve tried.”</p><p>“God, last night was a bad idea. A terrible horrible bad idea.” Katniss whined, banging her head on the counter again. Johanna chuckled to herself about how absolutely adorable (and slightly terrifying) a hung-over Katniss Everdeen was. She strutted over to the medicine cabinet on the far right corner of the kitchen and took out some aspirin. She gave two to Katniss before getting two for herself and dry swallowing them. They hit the back of her throat kind of roughly and left it kind of parched, but she didn’t really want to drink any water because even the thought of liquid going down her throat made her slightly nauseous then.</p><p>“How are you feeling, Jo?” Katniss said, lifting her head from where it previously rested lazily on the crook of her elbow.</p><p>“Tired. So tired.” Johanna said, looking at the digital clock that sat on the corner of the marble countertop, perched carelessly next to the toaster. <em>1:49</em>, it read in big red blocky numbers, glaring brightly back at her. <em>Well, it’s a little late for breakfast</em>, she thought as she began to make coffee to try and sober herself up a bit. She didn’t know how well it would work, but she was just thankful for the existence of sleep and pills.</p><p>She handed a steaming mug of coffee to Katniss as she sat silently next to her. (Probably a little too close, but Katniss didn’t seem like she minded and Johanna was definitely not minding it.) They sat that way until both their cups were empty, and their mood had gone up (if only slightly.)</p><p>“You know, I’d never even had coffee, before the games. It’s funny, isn’t it? I can’t live without it now.” Johanna said, chuckling lightly to herself about the silent irony of it all.</p><p>“Yeah, well, how else were we supposed to get up at 3 in the morning for interviews?” Katniss said, getting up and placing her dirty coffee mug in the sink with the other dirty dishes, Johanna hadn’t really bothered washing them after all of the chaos with Katniss. After all, dirty dishes were really the least of Johanna’s concerns.</p><p>“True that, Catnip.” Johanna said, standing from her position on the stool and walking towards Katniss, placing her own dirty mug in the sink. She made a mental note to wash the dishes later. She knew that her groceries would arrive soon, they arrived every week at about 4 in the afternoon. They were delivered to her free of charge as compensation for having to participate in the games. The system wasn’t great, she knew that, but it kept her alive without having to work and she simply shut her big mouth because it worked for her. It might not have been the perfect utopian society, but she could drink all she wanted and keep her house and stay alive without having to work. To Johanna, that was more than enough.</p><p>“Jooooo?” Katniss said teasingly, before turning around and facing Johanna.</p><p>“What?” Johanna said smiling. There was something amazingly endearing about Katniss being really smiley and not totally depressing for once (even if just an hour before she was banging her head onto the table.)</p><p>“I’m bored.” Katniss said, before she rearranged her expression into a pout and looked pleadingly at Johanna.</p><p>“What do you want <em>me</em> to do about that, Kat?” Johanna said, attempting to get some of her signature snark back into her words. But instead of biting, her words sounded teasing. <em>Wow, Mason, you’re going soft,</em> Johanna thought to herself.</p><p>“Entertain me.” Katniss said (adorably, might she add) and Johanna felt like she could melt. <em>Get it together, Mason.</em> She looked at Katniss watching her face turn into an innocent grin as it played on her features.</p><p>“Do you want to a game?”</p><p>-</p><p>And that is how Johanna Mason found herself cuddling with Katniss Everdeen on the living room couch underneath the blankets. Well, not exactly. Katniss’ suggestion of a “game” was a game of 20 questions, and you know how that goes. One makes one wrong question, the other has to, and it turns into a big sloppy emotional damn mess. All in all, she’d mostly learned that Katniss doesn’t like Ice cream at all unless it’s mint, that her biggest fear is the fear of hurting or losing someone she loves and that if she had a chance to kill just one person, it would have been Snow.</p><p>That doesn’t seem too bad, and Johanna wondered how exactly they both ended up crying. Not sobbing, it never got <em>that </em>bad (because Johanna Mason does not sob while sober. Well, at least not in front of other people.) The sun was beginning to set, and even though Johanna did not have a watch on her, she knew what time it was.</p><p>She watched the sun set every day, like clockwork. At six o’clock exactly, the sky would turn from blue to pink and orange and yellow, and she reminded herself why she loved living so far from town after all. There was no smog here, no pollution from the wood factories on the inside of town. In the summer and spring, when the sun rose and set every day at the same exact time, she would watch it contently. She knew that there were people all around the world watching the same sun she was, and she loved the idea of there being something more beside her and something away from her walls.</p><p>There are things much bigger than herself. There are things bigger than Panem and bigger than her and Katniss, bigger than the Mockingjay. There are creatures of all kinds on the farthest reaches of the universe that are much smarter than them and bigger than them and perhaps even controlling them. It doesn’t matter, there are much better things to think about that if you’re being controlled by space aliens.</p><p>For Johanna, it was the fact that she was actually <em>cuddling </em>with Katniss Everdeen, not even a week after not seeing her for three years. None of this made any damn sense, but <em>hey</em>, Johanna was certainly not going to complain about it. For some inexplicable reason, she <em>liked </em>being this close to Katniss. She liked Katniss because she was even more fucked up than she was, if that was even possible. She was also dark and twisted, and maybe had slight mental problems. And not quirks, either, but <em>real</em> diagnosable mental problems. It might just have been Johanna, but she looked for nothing more in a friend that for them to be mentally challenged.</p><p>Johanna saw Katniss beginning to drift off and smiled. Sure, it wasn’t the most comfortable position on the couch, but she was tired and emotionally drained and a nap seemed pretty damn likely just about then. She closed her eyes as she laid her head on the crook of Katniss’ neck. Katniss was warm, but not hot, even though the heat was still sweltering outside. Katniss’ eyes were closed and Johanna began to feel herself drift off too until she was (rudely) awakened by banging on the door. Katniss moaned softly as her eyes fluttered open,</p><p>“Johanna…” She said softly.</p><p>“What? Mhm” Johanna said, still half asleep as she lay on Katniss.</p><p>“Get off. The door. I need to get it.” Katniss reprimanded Johanna, wiggling softly from her spot, which was an awkward position in which she was half under Johanna and half falling off the couch.</p><p>“No, it’s just,” Johanna yawned, “It’s the food lady, she’ll leave it on the doorstep. You’re comfy.”</p><p>“Johanna, get off. I’ll get the door, just get off before you crush me.” Katniss said, her irritability showing clearly through her words. Johanna rolled off of Katniss but stayed on the couch as she felt Katniss leave the couch and heard her padded feet move towards the door. The couch was warm where Katniss should have been and Johanna wondered for a moment why she still wished that Katniss was there, cuddling with her.</p><p>She heard the door open and waited for Katniss to get the food and come back inside. After a few seconds passed, she began to worry. The woman who brought the food was not a chatty woman, and she did not work in that job to chat with the victors, she did it to feed her family and for nothing else. Johanna stood up from her spot on the couch, the cold breeze hitting her exposed skin. <em>How long did we lay there?</em>, she asked herself, for the last thing she remembered was the sweltering heat.</p><p>She cracked her joints as she waited for Katniss to come back, and as she waited a couple more seconds and Katniss didn’t come back, she began to walk towards the door herself.</p><p>“Kat?” Johanna said, expecting to find her speaking softly with the woman. Katniss did have a way with people, and for some reason Johanna didn’t find it hard to believe that she had somehow coaxed the old woman out of her silence. Instead she was met with a slightly catatonic Katniss, staring out of the doorway onto an equally catatonic Peeta.</p><p>Peeta looked famished. His cheeks had sunken in and his hair was matted and dirty. For some reason Johanna did not feel the same pity towards him as she did towards Katniss, when she had probably shown up in a much better state than Peeta had. Perhaps it was because she knew what Peeta had done to her, however half-aware of it he was.</p><p>Johanna did not want Peeta anywhere near Katniss. Katniss loved him enough to forgive him no matter what, and Johanna knew that. He did have a certain charm that for some reason Johanna was completely immune to. He could use his kind words and sweet smiles to his favor, but at the end of the day, he was just as fucked up as the rest of the victors.</p><p>Funny how that works, isn’t it? They tell you that you won, they tell you that you got out alive. They congratulate you for your bravery. But never once do they tell you about how it feels <em>after.</em> Sometimes Johanna wonders if anyone really comes out alive of the games after all.</p><p>Johanna saw tears sliding down Katniss’ cheeks and she felt an emotion that would probably be most accurately described as rage. She looked to Peeta, who was quietly pleading with “I love you’s” under his breath as he made a move towards Katniss. Johanna did not understand how he knew she was here, and frankly, she could not give a single fuck if he had tracked her down by the government of Panem itself. She just wanted him out.</p><p>“What the <em>fuck</em> are <em>you </em>doing here?” Johanna yelled, knowing damn well how intimidating she was when she was angry.</p><p>“I-um- I came to get to Katniss.” Peeta said, stammering embarrassingly.</p><p>“You do not have a <em>right </em>to come here after what you did to her! You need to get out of here and leave before I have to make you!” Johanna screamed back at him, missing the way that Katniss was cowering softly, her shoulders slumped forward as she cried softly.</p><p>“I’ll leave when I have KATNISS!” Peeta said, his voice increasing in volume and power. Even Johanna was a little scared, for she knew that he was very strong and had never seen him in a state of such rage.</p><p>“<em>Katniss</em>, is staying here. She is staying here, where she is safe. Not with you. Face it, Peeta, she isn’t safe with you anymore. This is the way that things are going to happen, if you truly love her you will let her go and get some help. You will not come back here until you are completely sure that it is safe. Do you understand?”</p><p>“Katniss is MINE! <em>I </em>love her, you can’t just take her away from me! YOU CAN’T!” Peeta said, his face becoming red with rage. Johanna was scared, and she was even more scared when she reached for the knife in her pocket and realized that it wasn’t there. She slapped him hard across the face, trying to get him to snap out of it. He began to cry, probably realizing what Johanna had been trying to tell him all along; it wasn’t safe for him to be around Katniss anymore.</p><p>Johanna saw him begin to walk away, she closed the large mahogany door with a thud, a small smirk playing upon her lips.</p><p>
  <em>Who’s the real winner now?</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. part five: i hope you’re happy</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“The marks that humans leave are too often scars.”</em>
</p><p>Johanna turned around, looking at Katniss with concern. Katniss did not take seeing Peeta very well, at least not that Johanna knew. She hadn’t said a word to him, so Johanna did not know how to get inside that girl’s head. Katniss was too often a mystery, she was as stubborn as a stone and it would probably be easier to balance upside down on one hair of your head than to get any answers out of her. She was guarded, her walls stood tall, protecting her against intruders and broken hearts. She didn’t really seem to know which was worse.</p><p>Johanna crouched down next to Katniss, looking at her softly. Johanna truly believed that she had done the best for Katniss. Peeta was not safe, and he’d obviously done some pretty terrible things before if he got Katniss Everdeen to cower crying in the corner like a three year old. Johanna put her arm around Katniss’ shoulders, but she was taken by surprise when it was shoved off.</p><p>“What the hell is your problem?” Johanna said. <em>I’m just trying to comfort you. Isn’t that what friends do?</em></p><p>“You.” Katniss said spitting the word with so much venom that Johanna was actually- dare she say it- a little scared. Johanna wracked her brain, trying to figure out what she had done wrong.</p><p>“Um, excuse me? I just saved your sorry ass from being taken home by your abusive psychopath boyfriend and I don’t even get a thank you?” Johanna said, because <em>seriously,</em> she is playing hero in this situation. She very well deserves a fucking thank you.</p><p>“YOU DON’T HAVE TO PROTECT ME, JOHANNA. I’M NOT A LTTLE GIRL ANYMORE, I DON’T NEED YOU TO PROTECT ME!” Katniss said, her face turning a flushed tone of red as she screamed at Johanna. Her words were practically dripping with so much venom and hatred that Johanna was actually pretty scared for a moment that Katniss actually held genuine resentment and hatred for her.</p><p>That was very frightening because Johanna Mason does not open up to people often. She does not show her softer side to almost anyone and she was scared that she would be hurt. She- she couldn’t lose Katniss. Not then. She knew that letting down her walls would be a bad idea, she <em>knew </em>that she could have gotten hurt. How- fuck- how could she have been so damn <em>stupid?</em> She knew that maybe letting herself love- no, not love. Not love. <em>Not love, I do not love Katniss.</em> But she knew that even opening herself to that possibility, even opening herself to the possibility of a friendship could get her severely hurt.</p><p>“Well obviously you do, or we wouldn’t have found ourselves in this situation, would we?” Johanna felt her anger growing, but she knew that underneath it all, she was just sad. She was sad that Katniss cared so much about Peeta that she was willing to push away Johanna for it. Sure, Katniss and Johanna hadn’t been friends for very long, and it had been even shorter since Johanna felt comfortable around her, but for once Johanna had thought that maybe Katniss was <em>different.</em> Maybe <em>they </em>could be different. Of course, that was idiotic, wasn’t it? She was stupid to think that they would be any different than any of the other people that Johanna gave a chance to?</p><p>“You think you’re helping, Johanna. But you aren’t. I. LOVE. PEETA. You can’t just attack him like that, and then come in here and <em>expect </em>me to be grateful to you.” Johanna felt her heart begin to pound faster in her chest. <em>I love Peeta,</em> the words began to swirl around in her head, taunting her. She didn’t know why they were affecting her so much. In the back of her head, she knew that she should have expected this. She should have <em>known </em>that this would happen. She had all of the warning signs, she just chose to ignore them because she was so damn <em>blind. </em>She <em>wanted </em>to believe, even though she had promised herself a long time ago that she would not let herself get hurt. She promised herself that she would let her walls rein tall and just <em>look </em>where it got her. She was angry, not necessarily at Katniss but also at herself for letting it happen. How could she have been so <em>stupid?</em></p><p>“Of course, Katniss. Of <em>course </em>you love him, you just <em>looove </em>him so damn much, don’t you? Why don’t you just grow up and face the fact that you’re scared! <em>You </em>are <em>scared </em>of Peeta and of what he could do to you. You’re a scared little girl who is too afraid to realize that she is being <em>abused.</em> So just stop being such a coward and accept the fact that even though you love Peeta, he might not love you back!”</p><p>Johanna regretted the words as soon as they came out of her mouth. She regretted them as soon as she saw the stricken look on Katniss’ face. She knew that Katniss loved Peeta, and she knew that (however twisted it was) Peeta loved her back equally as passionately. She regretted everything that she said to her, but she knew that she could not take it back. She knew that she should not take it back, because this was her protecting herself. This was her bringing back all her anger and building back her anger. She could not get hurt this way. Katniss could not hurt her again. Somewhere in the deepest crevices of her mind she knew that this tactic would not work. She knew that even by distancing herself from Katniss she would be hurting. Katniss had a sort of leverage on her that nobody else seemed to have. Not since Rosemary.</p><p>Contrary to popular belief, Johanna was not always cold. She had not always been so closed off that she was numb to almost all and any emotions. As a child, she had dreams. Not dreams of murdering people, or kissing some <em>certain </em>brunettes, but dreams of helping people. Johanna was a very good child, she was top of her class at school and never hesitated to help anyone who needed help. But seeing the things that Johanna has seen- there is just no way that anyone could still feel and stay sane through any of that.</p><p>Johanna had seen things that nobody should ever have to see, especially at such a tender age. She had felt things that even most of the elders in the old Capitol would have shied away from. She had been broken at such a young age- she didn’t know how to fix herself anymore. Johanna is not a romantic, but she knew that Katniss was as broken as her and for a second (if only for a second) she thought that maybe they’d be able to fix each other.</p><p>Looking back, she saw how absolutely stupid that was. Johanna does not like to delude herself with ideas of romance or happiness, because Johanna knows the truth. She knows that love is only one whisper in a world full of screams and that it will not make any difference in the end. Humanity will die and all its love stories will die a slow death with them. If nobody will be around to remember Romeo and Juliet which is a love story that had been around since as long as anyone could remember, then why the hell would anyone want to remember <em>us? </em></p><p>Johanna had learned to accept the cold truth. We do not matter. It does not matter what we do, we all die. We will all be faced with the inevitable; death. We will one day be face to face with that black mask and the only thing we can do is try to survive until then. There was a time before us and there will be a time after us. Humans have deluded themselves into believing that they <em>matter.</em> That their emotions matter, that their feelings matter. That we aren’t just one line after another of a species trying to evolve and survive. Johanna is not one of those humans.</p><p>But for a second, with Katniss, she thought that maybe she could be one of those people. Maybe- just maybe- she could let go of logic and just <em>be, </em>even if it was only for a second. She could have let go of her fears and let herself go. But she was faced with the truth- Katniss loved Peeta, and she would always love Peeta. Theirs would be a love story that would live on until they were both six feet underground and perhaps even a little while after.</p><p>Katniss was crying- tears were streaming freely down her cheeks as she hid her mouth with her hands. It took all Johanna had not to hold her right then and there, but she was able to keep a straight face.</p><p>“You- you can say all you want about us, but you’re even worse than us. We’ve all heard about you- Johanna. We’ve heard about you and about your family being killed by snow. Well <em>guess what?</em> We have all lost someone, Johanna. You are not the only one to lose your loved ones. You are not the first and you will definitely not be the last. You need to get over yourself and just let yourself be. Stop being such a fucking coward.” Katniss was breathless as she uttered her last words.</p><p>Johanna felt as if she was being slapped across the face. She felt the way that her lower lip pathetically began to quiver and hated herself for being so weak.</p><p>“Get. Out.” Johanna said in a moment of anger. She was upset. She was upset because she had let herself get hurt and she had let it happen over and over and over again.</p><p>“Fine. I hope you’re happy, Johanna. I hope you’re pretty damn happy with yourself.” Katniss said, letting the large mahogany door close behind her with a thud.</p><p>
  <em>I hope you’re happy.</em>
</p><p>She wasn’t.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. part six: hope is a thing with feathers</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“She did and said all the right things. Things that went straight to her heart and inspired the one thing that she promised she’d gave up a long time ago. Hope.”</em>
</p><p>Johanna sat by the window, staring out into the darkness. It was cold and it was raining, the water droplets fell from the sky like tears. All she could think of was Katniss out there, cold and wet and alone. She could have been hurt or sad or cold or hungry. Something could have happened to her, and it would have been all Johanna’s fault. Johanna hated herself for all of the things that she had said to Katniss, but in a weird way she knew that even if she could do it all over again, she would not take those things back, for it was her walls raising themselves five miles tall. She could play back a million scenarios in which she might have done things differently, but the outcome would have always been the same.</p><p>Johanna wished that she was not like this. She wished that she could blindly and innocently trust people, believing in the basic goodness of them. They had taken that away from her long before the games. But for the first time in forever, Johanna had felt something. Something that she had sworn to herself that she gave up ages ago. She had felt hope. Hope for the future, hope that perhaps things really <em>could</em> get better. She had trusted blindly in Katniss, even if it was only for a few moments. She had let herself go without analyzing everything and how it would affect her.</p><p>Johanna remembers that there was this one time that she and Rosemary had gotten into a fight. They were about twelve or thirteen- it was a couple months before Rosemary was killed. Johanna does not remember what the fight was about, but she remembers feeling like shit for the half hour that they avoided one another until she decided it was too hard to ignore her and apologized. They had hugged it out, but for some reason, Johanna didn’t know if she’d be able to just hug it out with Katniss this time.</p><p>Johanna had never gotten over losing her, Rose was her everything for the longest time. She can hardly remember a time when Johanna and Rosemary were not Rose&amp;Anna. They were joined at the hip, as Johanna’s mom would have said. She trusted Rosemary with everything she had, and would have continued blindly trusting her if she had the chance. Johanna would do anything to have her back, because she always knew just the right things to say. She would have known what to do, if Johanna still had her, perhaps she wouldn’t be so lost. After Rosemary died, Johanna didn’t know if the Rosemary shaped hole in her heart would ever really close. She didn’t notice it at first, but she distanced herself from everyone after Rose died. It wasn’t intentional, she just figured that she’d rather feel nothing than feel pain. To her fourteen year old brain, it made perfect sense. But who knew that feeling nothing could make you feel so <em>dead?</em></p><p>For a while, it worked. She was numb but she was also content with her decision to be. Sure, sometimes it got quite lonely when she hid underneath her skin, and sometimes it felt like the real Johanna was rotting beneath her armor of steel, but it was okay. But after a while Johanna found herself looking for Rose everywhere. She looked for her in the gardenias that grew outside the garden, she looked for her at their tree and she looked for her in the rose bushes that sat calmly outside her window. She searched and searched for her, she would have done anything to have her back. Rosemary was a much better person than she was, Johanna knew that. But then why is she still here while Rosemary is buried six feet underground?</p><p>Johanna didn’t know if she’d ever be able to forgive herself if Katniss was dealt with the same fate. She had spent years and years blaming herself for Rosemary’s death and still that wound had never closed. Some wounds heal with time, leaving nothing behind but a scar. But some of them don’t. Some wounds we carry around with us everywhere and even though the cut is long gone, the pain still lingers. Rosemary was Johanna’s everlasting wound. Rosemary was the weight that Johanna would carry on her shoulders for years, a black shadow that would follow her around for eternity. Sometimes Johanna wishes that she had died instead of her, because she’d rather be six feet under that be left with this eternal guilt and searing pain. It was like someone was slinging a knife into her gut every time she thought her name. She would be able to see Rosemary’s hazel eyes and blonde shimmering hair. Rosemary was the epitome of beauty, inside and out. There was nothing more beautiful than the way she loved, and <em>god</em> how could the Capitol do something so horrible and take that away from the world?</p><p>Katniss is a lot like her. She’s fierce and loyal, and even though Johanna and Katniss may not be the friends who stay up at sleepovers and braid each other’s hair, Johanna trusted her. Johanna was just about ready to pathetically hand over her heart because she was desperate to be loved. Johanna had lost everyone she cared about a long time ago, and grown cold as time took its sweet time healing her. She had forgotten what true and pure unadulterated love felt like a long time ago. It was strange that she wanted to remember. She wanted Katniss to teach her once gain what love is, she wanted her to teach her how to love again.</p><p>Johanna didn’t know what any of it meant, she didn’t know what these dreadfully passionate feelings for Katniss meant. All she knew was that she was feeling things that felt utterly foreign yet completely familiar at the same time. She knew that she wanted to wake up in Katniss’ arms and that she felt there was really nothing worse than the feeling that she might have lost her. It was all so… confusing. Johanna had never felt any sort of attachment to Katniss during the games, or at least- she tried not to. But even then, she found herself protecting Katniss without meaning to and it felt strangely good. She was content with knowing that she was helping, not only the revolution, but that she was keeping her alive.</p><p>Looking back, Johanna thought that she hated Katniss. Her tendency to do whatever Snow said was annoying and her insufferable star-crossed romance made her want to light herself on fire, but yet she always felt an inexplicable draw towards Katniss. She understands now, that there is a very thin line between love and hate, and Johanna knew that she had just crossed it.</p><p>Even a week ago, she would have laughed at the thought of <em>love.</em> She always hated that term, it was romanticized and overused to such a point that it was meaningless. She had cut herself off to the romantic side of herself, she had promised herself that she would never again become that thirteen-year-old girl, wondering about when love would slap her in the face. She would not build her life around Katniss and build her foundation on the love that she wished was reciprocated, only to have her walls crumble around her as the foundation shook and rattled. She owed that much to herself.</p><p>Johanna caught view of the picture she so carefully kept on top of the dresser. It was an old picture of her and Rosemary, Axel still a baby and being cradled in Rosemary’s arms as Johanna pressed a kiss to his forehead. It was the only picture she had of her, everything else had been burnt in the “accidental” fire that killed her parents. This picture reminded her of better times, times without Hunger Games or Girls on Fire or Bread Boys. It was taken in a time where they could just be. She looks back on the moments that built her life sometimes and she tries not to weep with guilt. She hated the fact that other people had to die to get her where she is now. She killed them, and for what? She’s miserable. She has no family, an empty house and nightmares of blood and tears. Sometimes she wishes that as they all lie in their graves they see her and realize who the real winner is.</p><p>She was sure that did not survive the games. Sure, blood was still coursing steadily through her veins but you can still die with a pounding heart. She lost her sanity in that arena, it was now lying on the axes that killed them. She thought that that paralyzing agony would be the worst pain that she would ever feel, because it was like feeling Rosemary die all over again. She knew that she was no better than the people who killed her, they were all just the Capitols pawns. She thought for sure that that would be the most painful thing that she would ever have to endure.</p><p>The thing that she was most scared of right then was that Katniss might have been able to hurt her even more than that.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. part seven: interlude</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“Sometimes pain was like a storm that came out of nowhere, for even the brightest summer morning could end in thunder and lightning.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>-</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The first thing that Johanna smelled was death. It was a hard pungent smell, it filled her lungs and wrapped its large meaty hands around them, squeezing them until she was wheezing for air. That wasn’t the worst thing though, the worst thing was the heat. There was a sweltering heat, violently caressing her skin and burning the dry leaves that crackled underneath her feet. She couldn’t see what the source of the heat was, only feel the burning sensation tingle on her skin.</em>
</p><p><em>Oddly, the day did not seem sunny. There were dark grey clouds lining the sky, and an angry wind flying through the trees. The tall oak trees looked menacing, almost bent over as they shook with laughter. </em>(Although in retrospect, it was probably just the wind.)<em> There was a clear path in front of her that reached for half a mile or so, until it abruptly stopped. There was no alternate trail, no way around. Nothing, just a sort of bright gleaming light that shone off the unknown surface. </em></p><p>
  <em>She looked around, there was a slight shimmer in the air, and every time she looked away from the sky, she could swear that she caught the sight of some kind of black snowflakes that fell from the sky. Every time she looked up, though, the sky turned back into the dark grey mass of clouds that blanketed the sky. She continued to walk on the trail, and the closer she got to the gleaming surface the worse that the smell got as the heat lessened significantly the closer she neared to the trail.</em>
</p><p><em>The first body she saw was Finnick’s, he lay unmoving in a puddle of blood. The crimson liquid seemed to come out of the side of his head, and she saw an axe-sized gash on his stomach that had stopped bleeding. Above his chest there was one word carved into his skin: </em>Annie.<em> It was not bleeding, but instead it seemed like an age-old scar that was carved into his heart. His hands were clutched on his chest, and even though he was still cold and unmoving, Johanna could swear that she saw his eyes following her with accusing glares. </em>You let me die, <em>she imagined him saying, and she swore that she could hear his voice booming in her head clear as day.</em></p><p><em>The next bodies she saw were her parents. They lay together in oddly bent positions, their bodies contorted into hardly recognizable shapes. Their eyes were closed, and Johanna did not fail to realize the axes stabbed into their heads. </em>You did this, <em>her father’s loud voice yelled in her head. </em>What happened to you, Anna? <em>Her mother’s soft voice cooed as Johanna closed her eyes tightly, resisting the urge to cry out. </em>No, you’re dead. You’re dead. <em>Johanna told herself as she clasped her hands around her head. She ran faster, then, towards the shining light. </em></p><p><em>As she neared it she realized that it was not the </em>thing itself <em>that was shining, but instead it was glass that was reflecting the light of the sky. She walked closer to it, seeing the red flames that were licking the inside of the glass. The glass made the picture hazy, but even from where she stood she could see two figures inside of it. </em></p><p><em>As she got closer to the glass she could see a figure laying limply to the side of the path. The figure was small, and she could feel her heart thumping violently as she stepped to it. It was Axel, lying motionless on the dirty earth. His blue eyes were open but unmoving, staring coldly at Johanna as she stood motionless. She could not move, as she could see Axel’s round plump cheeks tinged with red and the way his brown hair moved as he whispered softly, </em>you did this, Anna. You did this to us. <em>Johanna knew that it was true. They were on their way to the Mason’s when they were attacked. There was no other explanation. She did this. She didn’t mean to.</em></p><p><em>She stepped back from where he lay, trying to escape the putrid stench of burning skin and the crushing guilt that choked her. As she stepped back she saw two figures trapped in the glass, banging for a way out. She was scared to look at them, but when she saw a flash of dirty blonde hair and hazel eyes, she began to run towards it. </em>I have to get her out! <em>Johanna thought as she ran towards the glass. When she finally reached it she saw the other figure trapped inside the unmoving surface. She saw a flash of blue eyes and a messy brown braid slung over a slim shoulder. Her breathing instantly quickened as she stopped in front of the clear glass. She saw Rosemary trapped inside the flames, screaming for a savior. </em></p><p>
  <em>“Anna!” She heard Rosemary yell, her voice was light and even through the fire that was licking her skin, Johanna could hear the music in her voice as she yelled. She tapped her fist on the glass as she tried to break it. She had to get to them. They screamed as she saw a hot red rain begin to fall from the sky. It was choking them, she could see them struggle as she began to pound her fists on the glass, ignoring the sharp shoots of pain that shot through her arms. She dragged her nails on the glass trying to do something, anything other than see Rosemary and Katniss burn and choke on the blood rain that only seemed to fuel the fire.</em>
</p><p><em>She needed to get to them, but as much as she pounded and scratched, she could not get past the clear barrier that separated them. Her hand was beginning to bleed, and yet she could not feel a thing. All she wanted was to help them. Katniss yelled in agony as she fell slowly and painfully towards the ground. </em>You let this happen to me, <em>she screamed over the sound of the rain and burning skin. Johanna could hear the leaves crackling as they burned, and she just wanted to run. She wanted to run from the screams and the voices and thee pain that was caused by her own selfish doings.</em></p><p><em>She didn’t mean to be the bad guy. She- she didn’t want to be </em>this person.<em> She never meant to hurt them. She never meant to hurt </em>her. But you did anyway, <em>Rosemary’s sweet voice whispered in her ear. She was not so taunting then, she was just stating a fact. Johanna had refused to let herself be the Capitol’s pawn, and for what? So they could kill her family and take away each and every person that she had ever let herself love? What if she had just shut her big mouth and let it go? Maybe she wouldn’t be in this situation. Sure, she might still be working for the Capitol. She might be having to go through the daily torture that she had to endure as they “protected her.” They just wanted the best for her, right? If that’s true, then why is she here? Why is Rosemary burning alive?</em></p><p>
  <em>The worst part was that she could see them gasp for air, and yet she could not help them. She saw them choke on the red hot liquid that fell from the sky and yet as much as she yelled and screamed, she could not help any of it. She could hear them gasp and she could hear their blood-curling screams, and yet there was absolutely nothing that she could do about any of it.</em>
</p><p>This is your fault, <em>the voices whispered in her ears. She clasped her hands over her ears trying to drown them out, but she couldn’t stop them from taunting her. They flew around in her mind, in their accusing, menacing tones. They were the voices of the people that she loved, of the people that she killed. </em>You did this to us.<em> She could hear Rosemary’s voice most clearly, even though it was barely even above a whisper. Her voice had a strange melodical tone to it, it was almost like a siren’s beckoning call that lured her to her death. She shook her head violently, trying to drown out the voices of the ghosts that followed her. </em></p><p>You did this to us.</p><p>
  <em>She didn’t mean to.</em>
</p><p>How would you let this happen Anna?</p><p>
  <em>She didn’t mean to.</em>
</p><p>You let me die.</p><p>
  <em>It wasn’t her fault.</em>
</p><p>This is your fault.</p><p>
  <em>Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop.</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. part eight: glass box</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“Pictures flashed in on her in sudden color, too much color, shocking color, the color that leaps out of black when lightning strikes at night.”</em>
</p>
<p>For Johanna, it was always the noises. She could handle the look of death, and sometimes even the smell of death, but never the sounds of it. She could never handle the animalistic noises that escaped a person’s lips when they were exhaling their last shaky breath. Worst of all though, was the cannons. The loud <em>boom</em> of the cannons when another tribute was eliminated. So when she was awoken from her nightmares by the loud roar of thunder outside, she did not know whether to be glad that it was finally over, or scared to death. The loud roars of thunder turned into the low growls of the mutts or the high calls of the Jabberjays, and she could already feel herself shaking, retreating back into the all too familiar past that haunted her.</p>
<p>When the lightning stroke, bright white light illuminated the dark room in which she had so ungracefully cried herself to sleep. The light soon transformed into the reflective glow of the glass, and she could again picture Rosemary and Katniss’ burning bodies trapped inside of it and gasping for air. She gasped audibly and for the first time wished that someone was there with her, holding her. It was not a very Johanna-like thing to wish, for sure, but after feeling comfort for the first time since she had become titanium, she had gone a little soft.</p>
<p>She retreated into the corner of the room, trying to shield herself from the chaos going on outside. She drew her bare knees up to her chest, forming a barrier with her body, trying to protect herself from retreating back into that miserable space. The rain continued to hit the roof with loud little thumps, it was coming harder then, and Johanna’s shaking increased tenfold. For a second she was sure that she was back in the arena, and she gave of a bloodcurdling scream, begging for someone to save her, although she knew that nobody would come.</p>
<p>As the thunder boomed outside, she was sure that she heard a cannon go off in the distance, and even though she knew that none of this was real, she couldn’t help but turn her head violently, searching for the mutilated body of a fellow tribute. The room was silent for a few seconds, and she knew that she was alone.</p>
<p>She was not only physically alone, but also mentally and theoretically alone. There was nobody there to comfort her like the old Capitol liked to romanticize in those god-awful tacky little romances. There was nobody to hold her when she cried, no knight in shining armor that rushed to her aid when she was hurt. There was only Johanna, strong and independent but also at the same time weak and emotionally crippled. There was only Johanna and the thunder and lightning that shook the walls of her house and the rain that fell from the sky like tears from her eyes.</p>
<p>Johanna’s eyes darted around the mostly-empty room that had become her home. It was not much, a few pieces of simplistic furniture and four walls that encased her in their warmth, but they made her feel safe. Safe from what? That is a question that she cannot answer. The walls do not protect her from the demons that reside inside her, or the thunderous boom of the thunder that seemed to taunt her. They couldn’t protect her from any of the pain, but in a strange way, they could almost make her numb to it.</p>
<p>It was like she was in this glass box, and even though she could still feel everything that happened inside of that glass box, she was completely immune to any pain that anyone else tried to inflict on her. The box was indestructible, and people could pound and pound and pound on it, and still they would not be able to get in. But once Johanna granted them access into the box, they could come and go as they pleased, and were always welcome to stay in her glass box. The good thing about the box was that Johanna was able to come out of the box and yet still be inside it. She could look at the girl inside the box and simply pretend that it was someone else, she could look at that miserable shell of a girl and shake her head softly whispering, <em>“Such a shame, she was such a wonderful girl.”</em></p>
<p>Johanna tried to be alone in her glass box most of the time, because she had felt the pain of losing all the people in her box before and she was not ready to feel it again. But she had invited Katniss into her glass box and would have to pay the price.</p>
<p>Johanna looked around the room again, she was suddenly hyper aware of the feeling that someone was watching her. She could feel their eyes throwing daggers at her back, and she could feel their accusatory glance burn her skin. She looked around and caught sight of hazel eyes, drifting between the walls and the bursts of thunder and lightning. She looked into them and saw little golden flecks following her as she stood from her place on the ground, trying to walk towards them. She could swear that she saw Rosemary, beautiful and vibrant as ever, standing still in the corner of the room. Her heart began to pound violently in her chest, and for a second she was afraid that her heart would literally beat out of her chest.</p>
<p>Rosemary smiled softly, revealing a set of milky white teeth that matched the bright write of her lacy dress. She outstretched her hand, motioning with it for Johanna to come closer. <em>She’s not real, </em>Johanna told herself, trying to convince herself that Rosemary was simply a fragment of her imagination. A hallucination, brought on by terror and emotion. But <em>god</em>, she looked so real. Her porcelain skin looked alive as ever, and her outstretched hand did not seem to tremor in the slightest as Johanna came closer.</p>
<p>As Johanna reached Rosemary, she saw a locket held in Rosemary’s hand. Johanna almost gasped. She remembered them finding the locket around the woods in the back of Johanna’s house. She remembered the locket in vivid color, and most importantly, she remembered exactly what had happened the day that they’d found it.</p>
<p>
  <em>Johanna walked around the woods, her hand linked with Rosemary’s as she used her other hand to brush off branches and rubble from the past. They’d been in the woods for nearly an hour, trying to see how far they could go before they had to go home. Johanna’s hand brushed against the side of a tree trunk softly as she kept walking, shaking her foot to get rid of some of the rubble and dirt that had gathered on her shoe.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>She felt a light tug on her hand as she turned around.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Anna! Anna, wait. I think I found something.” Rosemary let go of Johanna’s hand as she bent down, untangling a small shiny object from the fallen branches that littered the forest floor. Johanna turned around and saw Rosemary stand up, brushing her hands on the front of her white dress as she brushed off the dust that had gathered on it. She turned towards Johanna and brushed a strand of dirty blonde hair out of her face as she outstretched her arm, showing Johanna the object in her open palm.</em>
</p>
<p>
  
  <em>There was a locket in her palm, it was heart shaped and silver. It seemed to glow as it reflected the light of the setting sun. Johanna stretched out her hand, taking the locket and holding it up above their heads. It contrasted with the colors of the sky, as the sun moved over the blue sky and colored it into oranges and pinks. She handed it to Rosemary and looked at her. Her hazel eyes seemed to brighten as they reflected the light of the sun.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“It’s really pretty, Rose.” Johanna said, smiling. The locket was pretty, sure, but Johanna didn’t care much for it at the moment. She cared about the brightness of Rosemary’s eyes and the warmth that came out of her smile.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“We should take it home.” Rosemary said, tucking it into the small pocket of her dress. She turned around and looked back to the way that they had come, motioning for Johanna to come with her.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“It’s getting kind of late, Anna. We should probably go home. We can come back tomorrow.” She said as she began to walk back in the direction that they had come. It didn’t take long for the girls to realize that they must have somehow lost their way. The trees looked big and menacing as it grew nighttime, as opposed to how comforting their kind green had been on the way there.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Rose? I think we’re lost. This doesn’t look anything like the way that we got here.” Johanna said, brushing her hair out of her face with her hands. She looked back at Rosemary, who seemed to be crying a few steps behind.</em>
</p>
<p>
  
  <em>“Rose, are you okay? Hey, don’t cry. We’ll get home. We should probably sit down though. I think I saw a log a few steps back.” Johanna wrapped her small hand around Rosemary’s as she led her back to the log where they sat down. Rosemary continued crying and sniffling every few seconds and the tears on her cheeks made Johanna’s heart ache with guilt.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>Johanna crouched down and picked a small daisy from the ground, picking off the petals and blowing them at Rosemary. Rosemary giggled in amusement and grabbed a small pile of green grass from the earth beneath her feet, throwing them at Johanna. Johanna immediately felt the atmosphere change from tense and sad to playful and happy, so she moved closer to Rosemary before grabbing another daisy and tucking it behind her ear.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“There. Now you’re Rosemary with a daisy.” Johanna said and Rosemary laughed. The girls spent the next few minutes giggling and talking about random things before Rosemary asked,</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Have you ever kissed a boy?”</em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>“No.” Johanna said giggling. “Why would I? Boys are gross.”</em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>“I don’t know. I still wonder what it’s like to kiss anyone. And how do you even do it? It doesn’t make sense. I’m just curious I guess.” Rosemary said, playing with her fingers and giggling.</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“I guess. It’s weird, though.” Johanna said, thinking. Kissing boys didn’t appeal to her as much as it did to the other girls. It seemed gross, and boys always smelled like sweat and wood. Why would anyone want to kiss that?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Maybe we should try it. Grace and Alaina said that they tried it with each other before they started kissing boys so that they would be good at it. I mean, we could—if you want to.” Rosemary said and Johanna was confused as she felt her heart pound harder in her chest.</em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>“Okay.” Johanna said, inching towards her.</em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <em>Johanna and Rosemary both had their first kiss that night. It was sloppy and ungraceful, but for some reason, even then, Johanna knew that she had enjoyed it much more than she should have.</em>
</p>
<p>Johanna was snapped out of her daydreams by three loud booms that echoed throughout the walls of her house, and Johanna swore she could feel the walls tremor with the booms. She looked back at where Rosemary was only seconds before, only to find a cold unfeeling wall where her best friend must have been. <em>You imagined it,</em> she told herself, trying to pull herself out of the past and glue her broken pieces back together.</p>
<p>She hated those flashbacks most of all, they were worse than the ones inside the arena, because they fluttered her heart and reminded her of when times were better. The booms echoed throughout the house once again, and this time Johanna was brought to her senses enough to recognize the booming noises as knocks. She walked towards the door as a voice rang throughout the space, fluttering around her and into her heart.</p>
<p>“Johanna?” She heard a strained voice say, and she walked towards the door thinking only one thing—<em>Katniss.</em></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. part nine: metamorphosis</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Johanna laid eyes on Katniss, feeling a bitter sense of nostalgia flutter in her throat. Katniss was wet and shivering, the clothes that she had borrowed from Johanna were clinging to her alarmingly scrawny body and her shoulders hunched forward. It was strange, that they had been in that very same situation merely days before. So then why did it feel like the entire focus of her world had shifted? Why did it feel like her entire world had changed? It didn’t make sense, that Katniss had become the sole focus of Johanna’s universe in such a short time.</p><p>She was content with being numb only a week before. She was happy with being the emotional cripple that she was. Who the hell cared if she drank herself into oblivion every other night? Nothing could hurt her, because she had nothing left to lose. She only had herself and her lonely house, but with nobody in her bed sometimes the nights were hard to get through.</p><p>Johanna hated to admit it, but sometimes she was a little scared of herself. Sometimes when her eyes would go away and her mind would revert back into the arena, her eyes would subconsciously zoom in on the gleaming metal of her knife and she wondered what it would be like to slit her neck and watch the blood pour out, making a crimson stain on her beautiful hardwood floors. A couple times she had let herself play with the idea, twiddling her knife in between the calloused skin of her hands, but then she wondered about what would happen after she died and the knife would fall to the floor in a swift movement.</p><p>Would Johanna divide and fall apart as her soul rose from her body? Would she rot hellishly for what she had done, for the children she had killed? Would her soul live in an eternal damnation, burning in the depths of a fiery hell? Johanna wasn’t afraid to die, but she was a little bit scared of what would come after. She just wished that death would come in the night like a thief, and she promised that she would welcome the black hood with open arms. She wanted to hug the grim reaper as he pulled her soul out of the body that it resided in and give death a big smooch, she wanted to turn and ask what had taken him so long.</p><p>She had spent so many sleepless nights tossing and turning, begging for death to show its face, but then Katniss came and wiggled herself into her life. She had shown up on the doorstep of her glass box and pounded on it so she almost broke the glass, she had brought herself and her fire and burnt herself into Johanna’s heart. She had added her scratch to Johanna’s record, and as always, with the love came the pain. With her leaving, she had etched another scar into Johanna’s already bruised and battered heart.</p><p>Johanna staggered backwards, taking a sharp breath. She had been preparing herself for the possibility that she’d never see Katniss again. She was not ready for Katniss to reappear so quickly, bringing with her all of the feelings that Johanna so desperately wanted to bury and hide under snide remarks and mischievous smirks. Katniss moved on the balls of her feet, turning her head upwards towards Johanna, her bangs sticking to her forehead.</p><p>“Hi.” Katniss said, seemingly unable to say anything else. She looked down again, biting her lower lip and rolling it in between her teeth, an obvious sign that she was nervous. Johanna wanted to be mad at her, she wanted to yell at her and slap her and close the door in her face while telling her never to come back again. But as much as she tried, as hard as she gripped the doorknob, begging her body to obey her mind, she could not be angry.</p><p>Johanna sighed and loosened her grip on the doorknob, pulling the door open and motioning for Katniss to come inside. Katniss stepped inside cautiously and Johanna wordlessly closed the door behind her. She walked away from Katniss’ dripping figure and walked up the stairs to retrieve a blanket for Katniss. The time seemed to go by desperately fast and yet excruciatingly slow as she grabbed the blanket and took deep breaths before descending down the stairs once again. She saw Katniss as she walked down the stairs, she was shivering and looked extremely uncomfortable, still standing in the spot that Johanna had seen her last.</p><p>“Hey,” Johanna said, stopping and standing in front of Katniss. Johanna kept her head bent low, because for some unknown reason she could not bring herself to look Katniss in the eye. She felt like if she caught sight of the steely grey of Katniss’ eyes, she would not be able to stop herself from falling apart. She extended her arm towards Katniss, offering her the blanket. “Here, I’m gonna go um—make some hot chocolate. You can sit by the fire and warm up, if you’d like.”</p><p>Johanna walked into the kitchen and began making the hot beverage, hoping and praying that somehow she would be able to stop feeling so smitten. She felt like she was reverting back to being that twelve year old girl that was so desperately trying to suppress the feelings that she had for her best friend. She could not become that person again, she refused to become the person that she so desperately wanted to bury. She took a deep breath before taking the hot chocolate off the stove and pouring it into two mugs. She kind of wished that instead of hot chocolate she could have vodka, but the hot chocolate would have to do.</p><p>She walked back into the living room and saw Katniss sitting on the floor with her knees brought up to her chest as she drew the blanket that was wrapped around her shoulders closer to her body. She looked almost innocent as she sat there, the fire illuminating her features and making her look smaller and younger than she actually was. Johanna silently sat next to her and handed her one of the steaming mugs, she was too afraid to say a word. The silence was both taunting and comforting, and Johanna didn’t know if she should speak up. She stared into the gleaming fire and held the steaming mug close to her chest.</p><p>“Why haven’t you kicked me out yet? If the roles were reversed, I probably would have kicked you out.” Katniss said, hugging the blanket closer to her body while refusing to look at Johanna’s face. Something that mirrored shame crossed over her features as she played with her fingers. Johanna could see tears in her eyes as Katniss desperately tried to blink them away.</p><p>“You remind me of someone who was very special to me.” Johanna said, trying to keep the strain out of her voice. She blinked away the dampness that had gathered in her eye sockets as she sipped silently out of the mug, the heat of the liquid stinging her throat.</p><p>“I’m sorry.” Katniss said, finally looking over at her. She was looking at Johanna with the look of pity and the soft shake of the head that Johanna hated. She hated when people would treat her like a victim, because something terrible did not happen <em>to</em> her, she did it to herself. She caused herself the pain that tightened at her chest and clawed at her lungs.</p><p>“It’s alright. It was years ago. I’m over it.” Johanna tried to dismiss the pity in Katniss’ voice, but the strain was clear in Johanna’s tone. The soft tremble of her voice betrayed her as did the moisture that gathered in her eyes. <em>Traitors.</em></p><p>“You don’t seem like you’re over it.” Katniss pointed out. Johanna knew that she was right, but she couldn’t help her defensive side from flaring up, because people weren’t supposed to notice. They were not supposed to notice any of the pain that she was feeling, they were not supposed to notice how her anger was fueled by something greater than just hate for the Capitol. They were not supposed to notice that most of her anger was fueled by the hate that she had for herself. They were not supposed to notice that she managed all of the anxiety that she had surrounding everything by attacking other people. They were not supposed to notice that sometimes that didn’t feel like it was enough, and that sometimes she felt like attacking herself.</p><p>“Yeah, well, I don’t think you ever really get over something like that.” Johanna’s voice was quick, snappy as she dismissed Katniss’ statement. Katniss stayed quiet as Johanna’s eyes quickly darted around the room searching for anything to look at other than Katniss’ face. The hardwood suddenly seemed a lot more interesting.</p><p>She became hyper-aware of a pair of eyes following her, and she turned around to snap at Katniss, only to find that Katniss was not looking at her at all. She looked back to the corner of the room in which she had earlier resided and gasped audibly when she saw a flickering image of Rosemary standing in the corner. This Rosemary was not as realistic as the one that Johanna had seen earlier, and her flickering image seemed almost dreamlike, but that did not make it seem any less scary for Johanna.</p><p>Katniss looked at Johanna when she gasped, and Johanna tried to calm herself down, knowing that her panic was easily visible. She closed her eyes and leaned her head back, begging for her hallucinations to go away. <em>Calm down,</em> she told herself, <em>breathe and when you open your eyes, she will be gone.</em> She took a few deep breaths before opening her eyes. Rosemary was no longer flickering in the corner, but instead of hazel ones, Johanna could feel steely grey eyes looking at her.</p><p>“Are you okay? You look like you just saw a ghost.” Katniss asked, her voice laced with sweetness and dripping with concern. Johanna wanted to slap her, to yell at her that she was not fine and that Katniss was stupid for even thinking that she might be, but she didn’t. Because it was not Katniss’ job to know that something was wrong, she wasn’t her boyfriend. Hell, they were barely even friends. They had a tentative friendship, if that. They were the kind of friends who would yell at each other and slap each other, but at the end of the day they were still in each other’s corners.</p><p>“I’m fine.” Johanna said, defensively, standing and brushing nonexistent lint off herself in a desperate attempt for something to do. She became paranoid that a pair of hazel eyes was following her every move and she shook her head violently, looking for the hallucination that she was sure was there. Rosemary wasn’t there, but she could still <em>feel </em>her. She could feel her body shake as she tried desperately to keep control of her mind. She was a grown woman, dammit! She should have been able to keep control, she shouldn’t lose her shit over something like that.</p><p>She could feel her breaths come in short gasps as the rain outside pattered heavily on the windows. She saw Katniss get up and move quickly towards her. Katniss walked next to her and wrapped a hand around her waist, moving her over to the sofa and making her sit on it. The room seemed to heat up and she could feel herself hyperventilating. All of the furniture was beginning to blend together in one hazy smear of grey and even though Johanna could see Katniss’ lips move from where she kneeled next to her, I seemed like no words were coming out. Johanna couldn’t hear anything except her own heartbeat pounding heavily in her ears and soft unintelligible murmurs that sounded an awful lot like Rosemary.</p><p>Katniss kneeled closer to her, and her face was coming into focus. Katniss was squeezing Johanna’s hand tightly and begging her to breathe. Katniss was holding her hand and looking at her with something that felt an awful lot like love.</p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. part ten: how brainless people get smart</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was getting easier, the breathing, Johanna felt herself gasp and inhale long breaths of air as she tightened her grip on Katniss’ hand. Katniss looked worriedly at Johanna, her somber grey eyes looking at her with sympathy and… something else? Understanding, perhaps? Johanna loosened her hold on Katniss hand as Johanna looked around, making sure that the flickering image of Rosemary was really nowhere to be seen.</p><p>“Are you okay, Jo?” Katniss asked and Johanna’s heart tightened instinctively at the name. It was pulling at her heartstrings, to have Katniss be so close and yet so far, she could practically feel the closeness between their bodies, and yet it felt as if Katniss’ eyes were miles away.</p><p>“Yeah… I’m okay. I just… I thought I saw someo—something and I freaked out a little. I’m okay now.” Katniss’ eyes betrayed her confusion and her worry, and then they showed something else, something that resembled caring and understanding.</p><p>“…Who was it?” Katniss asked quickly, looking back at Johanna. Johanna’s heart hurt at the thought, and for a second she thought about lying, about saying that it was a tribute she killed or some old family member from seven, but she knew that she had to take her own advice, she had told Katniss once that staying silent didn’t do any good, and it was about time for Johanna to practice what she preached.</p><p>“It was my old best friend… she um—she died, she was killed, back in seven when we were kids.” It felt strange to say the words out loud, after so many years of trying to forget Rosemary with no luck. She had never really had to tell anyone the story of Rosemary, they either already knew or wouldn’t know at all. It hurt too much to say it out loud, it made everything so much more real, it reminded her that it actually happened and it wasn’t just some bad dream or some hallucination.</p><p>“Is she the one I remind you of?” Katniss asked, looking back at Johanna in a way that definitely reminded her of Rosemary.</p><p>“Yes.” Johanna said, her voice sounding too close to tears for her liking.</p><p>“I’m sorry.” Katniss said, sympathy present in her voice.</p><p>“Don’t apologize. It wasn’t your fault.”</p><p>“Can you tell me about her?” Katniss said and Johanna took a deep breath, opening her mouth to speak after a few seconds of awkward silence.</p><p>“Her name was Rosemary. I had known her ever since we were little kids, she was a lot like you, she was born in the poor sectors. Her mom died when Rosemary was about eight or nine while giving birth to her little brother. Her dad never got over it, so Rose and Axel weren’t at their own house much, it was too depressing, you know? She was at my house most of the time, my mom was good friends with her mom so Rose and Axel were basically family. She and Axel died when we were fourteen—on her way to my house, a mob of peacekeepers attacked them and they couldn’t get out in time.”</p><p>Johanna didn’t notice she was crying until she stopped talking, and she noticed the cool air on the hot tear tracks flowing down her cheeks. She didn’t understand why it still hurt that much, it had been years. She was a grown woman and she couldn’t keep it together.</p><p>“Seems like you two were close, I’m sorry you lost her.”</p><p>“We were. She was—I don’t know… we were like two halves, everywhere we went we were Rose and Anna. Everyone knew us that way. I did everything with her, she was my first kiss… I just, I guess I thought that I would grow old with her and then there was just… nothing.” Johanna looked back at Katniss, who was looking at her with empathy painted across her own pained features.</p><p>“I know what you mean.” Katniss said and Johanna couldn’t help but feel guilty, all that time she had been talking about Rosemary without knowing how it would feel like to have Katniss hear it. It must have reminded her of Prim, the way that Johanna talked about Rose. They were also a lot alike, Primrose and Rosemary, they were both caring and warm, and they both died too young.</p><p>“I’m sorry, about Prim. I know she was everything to you.” Johanna said, gauging Katniss’ reaction.</p><p>“Like you said, don’t apologize. It wasn’t your fault.” Katniss pointed out.</p><p>“God we’re pathetic.” Johanna said, imagining what someone looking at them from the outside of her glass box would say. They were two grown women crying about things that happened years ago. Usually, Johanna wouldn’t let herself cry about those things. They were in the past, they were meant to stay that way. But with Katniss it felt different, less shameful. It was nice to have someone who <em>really</em> understood around.</p><p>“The most pathetic.” Katniss said, turning and laughing softly at Johanna. She looked so beautiful, in that moment, without tears streaming down her face, but instead with a happier look in her eyes. It made Johanna wonder if that was what Katniss looked like before the games, before life had worn her down to the sad, tired mess that everyone around her seemed to be.</p><p>“Okay, that’s enough crying. Come on.” Johanna said, tugging on Katniss’ wrist and moving her towards the kitchen.</p><p>“Where are we going?” Katniss said, laughing. Her laugh was contagious in a way, it sparked love and warmth in Johanna’s icy heart and Johanna knew that she would do anything to keep Katniss’ laugh alive, even if it was only for a little bit.</p><p>“You’re scrawny. We’re going to make ourselves food.” Johanna said matter-of-factly, the tears leaving her voice. She felt slightly happier then, more relieved. Talking about things had always kind of seemed like a waste of time for Johanna, because it wasn’t like talking about anything was going to stop them from happening, but she felt a strange sense of happiness when she was with Katniss, even if she was talking about things.</p><p>“Johanna, I don’t really know how to cook.”</p><p>“I do. You’re just going to sit there and hand me things while I actually do the job.” Johanna said, taking out some flour from the pantry.</p><p>“Alright.” Katniss said, she jumped on the counter and started playing with some of the utensils while Johanna set the stove.</p><p>“Do you want some peanuts?” Johanna asked after finding a small bag of them in the pantry.</p><p>“Why would I want peanuts?”</p><p>“They say peanuts make brainless people smarter.” Johanna said, throwing the bag of peanuts to Katniss. Katniss looked back at Johanna with a shocked smirk on her face and then reached into the bag of flour that was sitting next to her and threw it on Johanna’s face. Johanna gasped before throwing some of it back, and no matter how stupid it seemed, she thought food-fighting with Katniss was the best thing that she had ever done. It made her feel like a girl again, she could feel her body waking up, the nerves in it awakening from their slumber. She didn’t feel like that poor damaged tribute from district seven, she just felt like Johanna Mason, for the first time in a long time she felt like she could just <em>be.</em></p><p>By the time that Katniss and Johanna were finished throwing things at each other, the kitchen was a mess. There wasn’t one surface that wasn’t covered with flour or egg and the two women were laughing while trying to pick gunk out of their hair.</p><p>“I don’t think I should try cooking with you around anymore, Brainless.” Johanna said, trying not to laugh at the other woman who was picking egg out of her hair.</p><p>“Thank you.” Katniss said sincerely, looking caringly at Johanna.</p><p>“For what?” Johanna said, smiling at Katniss.</p><p>“I really needed this, you know? I can’t really remember the last time I just laughed like that.” Katniss confessed, and Johanna immediately understood, she hadn’t laughed that way for a long time either, her life too full of anger and resentment.</p><p>“Yeah… me neither.”</p><p>The next few moments were a blur for Johanna, she didn’t know what she was doing as she inched closer to Katniss, and she thinks that if her brain had time to process it she wouldn’t have let herself do it. It was a blur of movements and colors as she moved, her skin pressed against Katniss’ skin. She didn’t know for sure who initiated what, although most signs would point to it being her. But she could have sworn for a second that Katniss was the one who moved first.</p><p>When her lips pressed against Katniss’, the weight of the situation fell on her shoulders. She wanted to pull away, to tell Katniss that she could explain, that it was a mistake, to tell her not to hate her, but she couldn’t, because a slender arm was pulling her forward. It took her a second to realize that Katniss was kissing her back. It felt strangely calm, to have her heart race so much.</p><p>Her heart didn’t stop, the world didn’t stop spinning on its axis, and she didn’t see colors or feel like she was flying. It felt nothing like the old Capitol liked to romanticize in those god-awful novels, but for a second, if only for a second, the world felt still.</p>
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<a name="section0011"><h2>11. part eleven: what feels right</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Katniss realized what she was doing, she pulled away as if she was burnt. Johanna’s skin tingled where Katniss’ hands had been, imprints of graceful fingers remained etched into her skin even after Katniss pulled her hands away. <em>Oh fuck, </em>she thought as she instinctively held a hand over her tingling lips, her lips felt foreign, and her skin felt cold, it was like she was in a dream and was waiting to wake up. She dragged her fingernails down her arm hard, the pain enough to make sure that it was actually happening.</p><p>The pain was unbearable for a second and she looked down, three fleshy pink lines ran from her shoulder to her forearm, the middle one began to crack and bleed. She rested it on the counter, the coolness of it enough to numb the pain. Katniss was still mildly catatonic as she stood there, her eyes followed Johanna as she moved but she didn’t say a word, her shoulders slumped forward and a shocked expression on her face.</p><p>Johanna’s breath caught in her throat when she realized that it was real, that everything that had just happened was real and that she had quite possibly fucked up the one friendship she had left. She did not want to lose Katniss, she had played her cards wrong and she was going to pay the price. She wanted to punch herself as her scratches pulsed, because she felt like she deserved to be punished, and her scratches just were not enough.</p><p>She always seemed to do things like that. She always ruined the good things she had, she would do things that seemed like the right thing to do at the time but looking back they were actually kind of stupid. She would completely understand if Katniss wanted to run away, if she wanted to turn away from Johanna’s face and never look at it again. Johanna knew what she would do if she was in Katniss’ situation.</p><p>How did she get into such a mess? Of all the people that she could have caught feelings for, why did it have to be <em>her?</em> Why did it have to be the girl on fire, why did it have to be one half of the star crossed lovers? Why did her heart have to be set on falling for the Mockingjay? Johanna stared intently at the blank wall, because it was the easiest thing to do in that moment. She could not look at Katniss, but she could look at the blankness of the wall across from her. The wall was bright, glaring white, there was nothing there and she could live out the moments that she wanted when the real ones just weren’t enough.</p><p>Johanna could paint her own pictures, create her own visions of what was real, because nobody would be there to tell her that it wasn’t. She could have spent forever doing that, but Katniss’ voice broke into her thoughts and ruined her plans. Johanna turned towards her, her eyes searching for clues as to what Katniss was about to say, but she found none. Katniss’ face was turned away from Johanna, she was running a paper towel underneath the sink.</p><p>Katniss walked slowly towards Johanna, still holding the wet paper towel in her hand. Katniss gently grabbed Johanna’s arm, the one with the scratches on it and dabbed at them. Johanna was confused, but she let Katniss do her thing. Katniss pulled Johanna’s arm up, it was bleeding more than Johanna remembered, the three pink scratches raised above the level of normal skin. Johanna couldn’t keep from flinching when Katniss rubbed lightly at the middle one.</p><p>“Sorry.” Katniss said dryly. Johanna looked away from Katniss as she tended to her arm, instead opting to look back at the blank wall. She imagined instead a world in which the games had never happened, in which she had never been forced into the arena. In a world where she didn’t have to worry about peacekeepers and rebellion and Mockingjays and girls on fire. She imagined the vision of a world where her most severe problems were what to do on Friday nights and if she was going to be asked to the school dance. It felt odd to think that such a place had once existed, but it was written in the books that they made you believe were only fairytales.</p><p>Katniss pulled the reddened paper towel away from Johanna’s skin, turning to face her with teary eyes. Johanna could feel her own eyes get misty as she was brought back into reality.</p><p>“Do you… do you have a first aid kit?” Katniss asked, still refusing to look her in the eyes.</p><p>Johanna nodded, “It’s in the bathroom. In the cabinet.”</p><p>Katniss walked away from Johanna, throwing away the wet paper towel as she went. Johanna walked over and started cleaning up the kitchen, searching desperately for something to do. She was confused, there was something loose inside her, her emotions conflicting in a war against one another. She didn’t know <em>what</em> to feel because Katniss was not giving her any signals.</p><p>She could feel everything that she was blocking away collide with her with such a force that she almost dropped the bag of peanuts that she was holding. The images of Katniss haunted her every thought, there was a lump burning in her throat as her stomach twisted in all the wrong places. Something was roiling fiercely inside her and she wanted to scream. She didn’t cry though, she kept it all inside her as she continued to put things where they belonged. When she was done she took a seat at the kitchen table and rested her head in her hands, trying desperately to sort out all of her thoughts.</p><p>She heard soft footsteps approaching the table and turned towards Katniss, who was carrying a small tube of ointment in her hand and gauze and medical tape in the other. Katniss stopped next to her, she uncapped the tube and squeezed a small amount of ointment onto her finger. When her finger touched Johanna’s skin, Johanna wanted to scream. The feel of Katniss’ finger touching her arm sent goose bumps up her skin. Katniss carefully wrapped gauze around the length of Johanna’s arm and taped it before letting it fall carefully onto the table.</p><p>“You really shouldn’t do that, Johanna.” Katniss said, looking back at her arm with a soft expression.</p><p>“I know.” Johanna half-whispered. She wasn’t so sure of how to talk to Katniss after she had kissed her. It was like the whole dynamic of their relationship had just shifted. She didn’t know how to act around her, and she hated the feeling of not knowing what to do with herself.</p><p>“Yeah.” Katniss looked away from her.</p><p>“You know you don’t have to be weird about things now. If you want we can just pretend it never happened. You don’t have to be scared of me.”</p><p>“I am scared,” Johanna’s heart plummeted, she felt like her chest was going to implode.</p><p>“But not of you. Of why I don’t want to pretend it never happened.” Katniss looked Johanna in the eyes then, and she could see the confusion and the aching loneliness buried in grey stormy seas.</p><p>Johanna didn’t know how to answer her, how to calm the confusion that she knew was raging inside Katniss. She turned her body so she was completely facing Katniss, denying herself the comfort of looking away. She didn’t want to be a coward that time, she wanted to be the strong, brave girl that she used to be before life grabbed her by the shoulders and tore her to shreds.</p><p>“I don’t know what this means.” Johanna said honestly, twiddling her shaking hands until both of her palms burned. Everything was so exhausting, she was tired and sad and achy and confused.</p><p>“I don’t either, but… I don’t know. It doesn’t seem all too bad. I mean, whatever this is kind of feels right. Does it for you?” Katniss sat in the chair next to Johanna pulling it close to Johanna and turning to face her.</p><p>“It does.” Johanna smiled, because it did feel right. It felt so awfully, terribly, frighteningly right that she didn’t even know exactly what to do with herself. Part of her wanted to run away from the possibility of being hurt again, but a bigger part of her wanted to wrap her arms around Katniss and never let her go.</p><p>“I just… I don’t know if I’m ready for this.” Johanna looked sadly back at Katniss, her lips curving slightly downwards in a frown.</p><p>“Because of Peeta?” Johanna said and Katniss looked at Johanna with a sad smile on her face.</p><p>“Yes…but not in the way you think. I talked to him, you know? We had a very mature and honest conversation and I love him but um…it’s over. It’s just… I’ve only ever been in one relationship, and I got hurt. Bad. It’s hard to try and imagine being in a relationship where I wouldn’t always be hurting.”</p><p>Johanna smiled softly at Katniss, “I would never hurt you.”</p><p>“I know you wouldn’t. At least, not on purpose. But I don’t think I’m ready for anything serious yet.” Katniss played with her thumbs bringing them over and under each other as she stared intently at them.</p><p>“Who says anything has to be serious? I mean…I don’t think I could handle a real relationship right now. We can take things slow. It doesn’t have to be a big deal.” Johanna’s voice was incredibly out of character and soft for her liking, but she couldn’t help it.</p><p>“Okay. I can do slow…So then, what are we?”</p><p>“I don’t know. We were friends. Now we’re more than friends. It feels right though, doesn’t it?” Johanna smiled softly at Katniss and she smiled back before blushing and looking back down.</p><p>“Yeah. It does."</p>
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<a name="section0012"><h2>12. part twelve: ignition</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The idea of being with Katniss was exhilarating and terrifying. Johanna felt like she was both flying and falling and she had no idea how that could be. The last few days of being whatever she was with Katniss were amazing, she felt like a schoolgirl, because just being around Katniss made every hair on her body stand on end. The thought of loving someone had seemed foreign to Johanna, especially after the games. She felt like she was hard and cold inside, like she had lost the ability to love anyone. Growing up, Johanna had thought that loving someone was going to be this magical thing, that she would see them and immediately <em>know</em> that they were the one. Nobody ever told her that it would be painful and terrifying.</p><p>Because letting herself love Katniss meant letting her walls down. It meant letting go of all her defense mechanisms and just letting herself be. She was putting herself in danger, she as standing bare in front of a million arrows and she knew that she could and <em>would </em>get hurt. <em>Wherever there is love, there is pain, </em>her father used to tell her. She didn’t understand it so much back then, but it began to make sense as she got older. She was falling for Katniss, and Katniss was so real, so human. Katniss could leave her at any time and Johanna would not be able to stop her.</p><p>Johanna was falling hard and fast, but the thing about falling is that it does not provide a clear beginning or a clear end. She did not know when she began falling for Katniss, but for some reason it did not feel like it was recent. There had been so many moments for her to notice Katniss, there was the Quarter Quell, there was District thirteen, there was an infinity of moments that Johanna had with Katniss Everdeen, but for some reason she did not notice she was falling until she hit the bottom.</p><p>Johanna was fragile and vulnerable without her armor. She was only human, she could be broken, and she could be hurt even if nobody could see it. She was resting next to Katniss, her arm draped over Katniss’ midsection as Katniss stroked her hair. It felt strange to think about how everything had somehow changed. They hadn’t really been friends before, they were more like allies. They were both a pain in the ass, especially to each other, but they were always in each other’s corners. But now they were <em>more </em>than friends? It felt like a rush, it felt exhilarating, it sent a euphoric high up Johanna’s arms, she felt a swarm of butterflies in her stomach.</p><p>Katniss had waltzed into her life and brought down all her walls. She had walked into Johanna’s life in a tattered dress and made her feel things that she had sworn never to feel again; worse, she had made Johanna want to <em>believe.</em> She had made Johanna want to trust blindly and wholeheartedly, she had changed her, or perhaps, made her realize things in herself that she didn’t know were there.</p><p>Johanna looked back at Katniss, she felt something, and it felt wonderful. But the thought of not knowing if Katniss felt the same way was terrifying. She could never know what was going on in that girl’s head, and she hated that she would never know if their relationship would work or not. She could only walk with the blindfold around her head, she could only search clumsily in the foolish lover’s game that held her captive.</p><p>“Johanna,” Katniss waved her hand in front of Johanna’s face. Johanna stared at the lines and creases in Katniss’ palm and fought the urge to graze them gently, to feel the mountaintops of Katniss’ skin on her fingertips.</p><p>“What?” Johanna finally said, forcing herself to snap out of it.</p><p>“You’ve been staring off into space for like twelve hours now.” Katniss said matter-of-factly.</p><p>“Oh…um, sorry.” Johanna quickly said, she thought about what Katniss was saying and if she was saying anything and <em>god,</em> was she saying anything important? Katniss only looked at her like she was insane (which was not a rare look for her to get) so Johanna figured that she had not been talking. Johanna let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding and Katniss scrunched her eyebrows adorably in return.</p><p>“What were you thinking about?” Katniss said, her eyes gleaming and her face serene.</p><p>“Nothing.” Johanna quickly retorted, she hoped that she was not <em>actually</em> blushing, and that the heat that she felt on her cheeks was not visible on the outside. She knew that her cheeks had probably reddened, but Katniss didn’t mention it and Johanna sure as hell was not going to.</p><p>“Don’t give me that shit. I’m smarter than that, Jo.” Katniss kept her tone firm, but her facial expressions betrayed her. She giggled— actually, giggled — to herself before turning away from Johanna.</p><p>“I was just thinking about…I don’t know…us.”</p><p>“What about us?”</p><p>“Kat, I need to know…” Johanna took a deep breath, she begged her lungs to inhale and exhale the way that they were supposed to. She saw Katniss’ eyes turn serious and her teeth catch her bottom lip,</p><p>“Am I just going to end up being your rebound? Because you were, like, <em>really </em>in love with Peeta. I don’t—I can’t be your rebound. I can’t have you staying with me for a couple weeks while I’m your little experiment. I can’t have you run back to Peeta once you realize I’m not what you want, I can’t—I just can’t get hurt like that again.”</p><p>Katniss was silent. The silence was excruciatingly painful for a couple of long seconds, but Johanna did not dare to speak up. She wanted to run, she wanted to give Katniss the space she asked for, she wanted to take back her words and swallow them, but she <em>needed </em>to hear the truth.</p><p>She loved Katniss, too much for her own good, probably, but Johanna had made a promise to herself once, and it was that she always had to put herself first. She loved Katniss, and she wanted her to be happy, but she had to accept that her happiness was also important, that her body and her heart were things that deserved to be protected. Such things were hard to believe sometimes, as were all other things, especially at night when her darkest thoughts found their way out of their locked cages and into the forefront of her brain.</p><p>“I…I don’t know <em>where</em> this is going, and I can’t make any promises about it, but I <em>can</em> promise you that I am not going to run back to Peeta. And I can promise you that you are not my little experiment. I wouldn’t…I wouldn’t risk hurting you—or hurting myself, for that matter—if I wasn’t 100% sure.” Katniss’ eyes were filled with tears now, and her head was giving soft little shakes.</p><p>“100% sure of what?” Johanna asked.</p><p>“That I feel something. I mean, something worth feeling, something worth pursuing.” Katniss looked back at Johanna, and Johanna couldn’t help the flutter that grew in her stomach at the thought of her words. In all honesty, she was a little embarrassed with herself, for acting like such a lovesick teenager. It was stupid, but she couldn’t help her feelings.</p><p>“O-okay. Thank you, I mean… just, I’m still getting used to the whole <em>‘don’t shut Katniss out’</em> thing, so I just needed to know if it was going to be worth it.” Johanna was incredibly insecure about the relationship, because she did not have control. If there was one thing that Johanna craved, it was control. She did not fight for control, but she craved it, because not having any say in what happened to her was something that she felt was too dangerous. It was wearing her heart on her sleeve, which was something that Johanna <em>definitely </em>did not do.</p><p>Johanna knew that she really needed to learn how to let go. She knew many things, but most of them she ignored. Her brain tossed them out like pieces of garbage, and she needed to retrieve them before she went absolutely batshit. She was probably already insane, she was never really given a chance for sane in the first place. Sane wouldn’t have survived the hunger games, Sane wouldn’t have killed all those people, and god knows that sane would have never fallen for Katniss Everdeen. Yes, Johanna was insane, but if she played her cards right, maybe insane would work to her favor.</p><p>Katniss untangled herself from Johanna’s arms and got up. She was only wearing Johanna’s sports bra and some small shorts, as the incredibly bipolar weather had come to be very warm again. It was both a beautiful and terrifying sight, because Johanna knew a lot about sex, but she knew very little about romance. Johanna sighed softly and then blushed quickly when she saw that Katniss had <em>definitely </em>noticed the leering.</p><p>“Well, I’m going to go make myself a sandwich, ‘cause talking about my feelings makes me kind of hungry. You’re welcome to join me, if you’d like.” Katniss said, a smirk played across her lips.</p><p>“Yeah, I’ll, uh, be down in a minute.” Johanna stuttered, battling to regain her composure.</p><p>Katniss simply shrugged and began to walk out, her bare feet made small thumps on the hardwood floors. Johanna shook her head when Katniss was far enough away, and she tried in vain to shake away her thoughts.</p><p>“Oh, and Johanna?” Katniss smirked when she was at the door.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“If you were thinking about having sex with me, you could have just said so.”</p>
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<a name="section0013"><h2>13. part thirteen: above the fray</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“But the blue-and-amber backs had matched the world they lived in for one terrifying moment, and the violent orange they changed to was beautiful only because we’d memorized the other color, knew what they had been.”</em>
</p><p>Run, faster, run, <em>Johanna told herself. There was no turning back, there was no exit. The landscape was unforgiving, the harsh reality was unforgiving. The cannon was going off, again and again and again. The axes were heavy in her hands as the sound etched its way into her memory and she doubted that she would ever be able to forget what death sounded like. She felt like the pain would never stop and it did not—there was no pause. The Games were never ending, never stopping, never ceasing. Everything changed in the arena, faster than the blink of an eye.</em></p><p><em>Johanna wanted to scream, to express her anger, her fear, her sadness, she wanted to shout into the void but she couldn’t do that—other tributes would find her, they would find </em>them,<em> and they would kill them with no mercy. There was no mercy when their lives were at stake. The primal instinct to survive takes over their humanity and they get into a state of insanity as the adrenaline pumps through their veins. There was no control in the arena, there was nowhere to run.</em></p><p>
  <em>She stopped running and the only thing she heard for a second was her own labored breathing. A gush of wind is sudden against her skin, and it brings with it a blinding pain. She could feel the taste of blood in her mouth and when she looked at her abdomen she saw blood soaking through her clothes. She looked at the axe in her hand quickly, it was bloody but she did not remember striking anyone. She turned around to find her attacker, and probably her victim, and her vision was blurry.</em>
</p><p>“Johanna?”<em> She heard a sweet voice carry through the blurriness of her vision. Johanna turned toward the axe that was in her palm, the blood was running down the ground, forming a pool of blood below her feet. </em></p><p>“Johanna…”<em> She heard again, she searched for the fallen tribute, but the light was shifting beneath her eyelids. She caught sight of a dark brown braid and her heart leapt, did she kill Katniss? She looked down at the scarred skin of her palms. Did her hands kill her? How could they do that? How could she—</em></p><p>“Johanna!” She heard a voice somewhere in the distance as she jerked awake, and she felt someone shaking her shoulders. “Johanna, snap out of it."</p><p>Johanna sat up quickly, she had no idea what was going on.</p><p>“What?” She didn’t understand what the problem was, “What’s happening?”</p><p>“You started screaming in your sleep, you had a nightmare. You’re okay now.” Katniss whispered sympathetically as she offered Johanna a glass of water and Johanna took it from her but she did not drink, she was too shaken up to drink anything.</p><p>“N-nightmare?” Johanna asked, as everything suddenly fit into place. Katniss, the axes, the blood, it was all playing around in her head. She brought a hand to her face as she saw that she was gripping the sheets with a brute force, she felt the heat on her face and the tears that were apparently flowing in hot rivers down her cheeks.</p><p>“Oh god…” She reached out and grabbed Katniss’ hand to make sure that she was really there, she knew that she was probably hurting Katniss with the tight grip that she had on her hand, but she couldn’t bring herself to stop.</p><p>“Are you okay?” Katniss asked. She was looking at Johanna with concern lining her features.</p><p>“Oh god… you—you’re alive. I thought I- I thought I killed you,” Johanna stuttered, she let go of her grip on Katniss’ hand and lunged herself into Katniss’ arms in a rare moment of vulnerability. She was crying—which was definitely something that Johanna Mason was not supposed to be doing, but Katniss did not mention her tears, instead she wrapped her arms around Johanna and enveloped her in her warmth. Johanna loved that she didn’t push her, didn’t ask too many questions. It had been so long since Johanna had just been held, she let go of herself for one terrifying second and she cried. She let herself be and she unraveled. Her strings were completely unattached, but minute by minute, Katniss was beginning to piece her back together.</p><p>Johanna cried for a while, and although she knew that she should have been embarrassed, she wasn’t. It was almost an exchange, because Katniss had her own demons to fight, her own monsters, her own dark sides that hid in the dead of the night, and Johanna had been there before to help her fight them. When Johanna was finished crying, the darkness had become lighter and Katniss was falling asleep beside her. Katniss’ arms still held her softly as she sniffled, Katniss eyes were fluttering closed, so Johanna buried her face in the crook of Katniss’ neck and lied there. She knew that she would not be able to fall asleep, so she lied there and enjoyed Katniss’ warmth until the brightness of the morning seeped in through the window.</p><p>Katniss stirred beside her and Johanna immediately looked at her. She was definitely not anybody’s definition of beauty in the morning, bed hair, drool, you name it. But she was fucking beautiful anyway. There was a certain beauty in her as she was waking up that you couldn’t taint. It was like when spring was awakening and you could smell the season at the very first moments of its return, before you’re used to it, when you’ve forgotten its smell, and then there it was back in the air and you could feel the flow of things shifting and resettling again.</p><p>“Hey.” Johanna said, she gazed at her and then quickly looked away so that Katniss wouldn’t think she was some sort of creeper.</p><p>“Hey…how long have you been up?” Katniss said, the morning evident in her voice. She yawned quietly before she sat up and ran a hand through her hair and wiped the sides of her mouth.</p><p>“I didn’t go to sleep.” Johanna said simply, ignoring the concerned looks that Katniss was throwing at her. She threw her legs over the edge of the bed and ignored the chills that were sent up her spine at the coolness of it. Her skin was damp and the coldness on it was both biting and calming at the same time and Johanna did not know how that could be.</p><p>“Are you alright?” Katniss asked as she came up to sit next to Johanna, a worried look on her face.</p><p>“Yeah, I’m fine. Just a little shaken up, you know how it is…” Johanna picked at the sheets and sent a small smile towards Katniss, the realest one that she could muster.</p><p>“Yeah, I know how it is.”</p><p>Katniss didn’t pry, and Johanna was incredibly grateful for it. She was incredibly grateful to have Katniss in her life, however scared it made her. It was odd to think of someone knowing her, of someone being able to have control over her, but she liked the feeling of knowing that she had someone who could <em>see </em>her. Someone who would keep her in her garden and try to understand her darkness, someone who could know that she had many sides to her.</p><p>Someone who knew that she wasn’t cold. Because even if Johanna tried to get her brain to freeze out all the hurt, her heart would get it to melt again. She wanted someone who knew that she had pain, someone who would accept her broken pieces and wouldn’t try to fix her. Someone who might try to love her broken shards and clean them up, she just hoped that she wouldn’t get cuts in the process.</p><p>Johanna had a lot of scars, she had many memories of injuries that marred her skin, but the ones that hurt the most were the ones that nobody could see. Katniss tended to those pieces, she wrapped them up and kept them from attacking at night.</p><p>She had sparked something in Johanna, she had made her a believer. Johanna had not believed in happy endings for a long time, but she really wanted to believe that she and Katniss would have a happy ending. She knew it was a long shot, but Katniss had sparked hope in her. She had come into Johanna’s life and she had become the person who kept her hovering above the fray.</p>
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<a name="section0014"><h2>14. part fourteen: state of grace</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Johanna had experienced many terrifying things in her time, she had faced down too many monsters head-on, she had stared down glaring demons and she had survived the games. She had kept traces of her sanity, even throughout the wars with the monsters that refused to hide in her closet. She had seen things that would make Snow shit his pants and done things that would put peacekeepers to shame. So why was she still so scared of what she was feeling?</p><p>It had been several weeks since she had accepted whatever it was that she and Katniss were doing, and she still could not bear to let all of her guard down. Maybe it was a good thing, for Johanna to keep pieces of herself, but that didn’t change the fact that she wanted Katniss to be <em>hers.</em> The thought of someone else’s hands on her skin sent Johanna into a fit of red-eyed fury, even if the farthest she and Katniss had gotten to was making out.</p><p>Johanna wanted to do it right this time, give Katniss the love story she deserved. One without arenas or districts or peacekeepers, one where they weren’t in a place of grave danger, but instead one where they could just <em>be.</em> One where the love between them was the only thing that forced them to be together, not the need to survive but instead the need to be near each other. She wanted them to be able to have all of the little moments, the corny things that only seemed to happen in books. She wanted to give Katniss the silent rumble of a constant love that she never had.</p><p>Calloused hands rubbed together as Johanna tried to calm her nerves. She knew she shouldn’t have been so nervous, they were practically already dating, but she didn’t know anything about romance. Romance had always been an unnecessary accessory to the world. Romance had always been a whisper into the inevitability of the nothingness that raced towards her. Living didn’t matter as much as surviving, the way things really were didn’t matter as much as appearances did.</p><p>Life had graced her with love, with the warmth of something that she never imagined she would feel for herself. It was something that she had seen from afar, something she had always secretly yearned for. Maybe she didn’t really need its warmth, maybe she should have been enough for herself, and she was, but just in case she wasn’t, she had someone who was more than enough to fill her up. She had her own broken and mangled wings, she had her own silences and demons, but Katniss was warding them off without knowing it.</p><p>Is it healthy to love someone more than you love yourself? Maybe it isn’t, but Katniss was a part of Johanna. She had become a part of her, she had embedded herself into Johanna’s skin, and she had ignored the scars on her bleeding heart and loved every inch of her. Sometimes Johanna was sure that she did not deserve it. Maybe something so beautiful should not have been made by Johanna Mason and Katniss Everdeen. Maybe it was wrong, and maybe it was too much to handle, but maybe—just maybe— it was so wrong that it was right. Because there is never a time for true love, there is never a circumstance in which it should happen, there is only a simple accidental heartbeat, and it happens in a single flashing, throbbing moment.</p><p>For two people to fit together perfectly is a beautiful fantasy, a mirage of a romance that people wish they had. Johanna and Katniss did not have that. Their love stuck out in odd angles and bent in all the wrong places…and maybe that was the best thing about it. That it had the ability to bend without breaking, that they could hold it close to their hearts and use it to keep them warm.</p><p>Johanna had not been her first—and perhaps she wouldn’t be her last. She loved before Johanna and she may love again. But she loved her then, and nothing else mattered. Katniss is not perfect—neither is Johanna, and the two of them would never be ‘perfect’ together, but together they could hold each other’s hearts in their palms and promise not to intentionally break it.</p><p>Johanna had never believed in the idea of soul mates—and perhaps she never would. But she believed that if people were lucky they could find someone that they didn’t mind sharing their life with. Not because they were perfect, but because both of their flaws combined were arranged in a beautiful way that cloaked in darkness and made it bearable to live feeling the brightness of the light.</p><p>Katniss stood before her in a red dress, it was only their fourth ‘official’ date and yet Johanna was sure of the bond that she felt. She didn’t know if Katniss felt the same way, and perhaps that was the worst thing. Loving someone and being loved was the equivalent of opening up your chest and your heart to them, letting them inside you where they had every opportunity to mess you up.</p><p>There are too many risks to take with love, too much pain and too much suffering. But when it comes to true love you realize that sometimes you don’t have a choice. Your heart thinks for you rather than your brain, and logic is not only thrown out the window but also thrown beneath a bus before you can form any coherent thought.</p><p>But she needed the kick of courage to do what she was about to do, to venture into uncharted territories. She took out Katniss’ chair that evening and did everything a gentlewoman would do. She did everything in a daze, and yet somehow she memorized every second of it, she cherished it and kept it with her, she tucked the warmth into her pocket for cold nights. She was beginning to get cold feet, her hands were clammy and her hair was on end, but she powered through everything, because she was Johanna Mason and goddammit, she could do this.</p><p>She grabbed Katniss’ hand and led her towards the roof, the night was luckily not cloudy, the day was quiet and a serenity of sorts blew over the universe and calmed them.</p><p>“I-um-okay, well, I’m not very good at this. I know that I’m not perfect, and neither are you. We are not perfect together and I know that there is a big chance that I will end up more messed up when I come out of this than when I came in. But…I think, just this once I’m willing to risk it.” Johanna squeezed Katniss hand and held back the tears that sprung into her eyes. She brushed her hair behind her ear with her hand and took a deep breath.</p><p>“You know, for a long time I was sure that I never would have love, like I was incapable of being loved, and sometimes I still wonder why anyone would ever love me, but I think that these things sometimes just happen. I remember-um-once, in the arena, I said that there was nobody left that I loved. For a long time now, that has been true and I’ve kind of thought that it’s a good thing. But it’s not anymore.</p><p>“I love you, Katniss Everdeen. I’m not pressuring you to say it back, but um, I will not deny myself the pleasure of saying things that are true. I love you with every piece of my bruised and battered heart. It’s not much, and it might not be everything you thought you wanted when you were a little girl, but—” Johanna was cut off by Katniss’ lips pressing gently against hers, tentative but sure, her hands grasped Johanna’s hips and pulled her slowly forward. Their lips moved against each other’s in gentle throbs before Katniss pulled away.</p><p>“I love you too…okay—um, I’m not sure how to do this correctly, never really had to before, but um—Johanna Mason, will you be my…girlfriend?” Johanna smiled fondly and leaned forward.</p><p>“I thought you’d never ask.” In another moment their lips were moving together again, quicker and more feverishly. Johanna’s hands grabbed Katniss’ hips and touched the sliver of skin where the dress let peek through. There seemed to be too many unnecessary layers in that moment, and they almost fell over as they tried to make their way to the bedroom.</p><p>Their bodies danced together in the moonlight, skin glided against skin and breathy moans were pressed against listening ears. Johanna’s hands traced over her skin, they made maps with the cities of Katniss’ skin and memorized every inch of it. Johanna fell asleep that night listening to the sound of Katniss’ oceans lapping up against her own.</p>
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<a name="section0015"><h2>15. part fifteen: sweet end</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The darkness was nearly palpable, as Katniss let out a few short jaggedy breaths against Johanna's skin. There was a throbbing heartbeat in her chest, a simple panic that arose out of her heart and silenced her cries. Salty tears ran down her cheeks as she begged all too desperately for more time, for another flashing, throbbing moment. She inhaled and exhaled shakily into Katniss' hair, as she remembered the past few days that had torn her world apart.</p><p>Humanity had not changed in all of Johanna’s years. Maybe it never would, people would continue to be horrible, they would continue to make people like her want to turn away from the world and never look at it again. But there is a long history to human nature, pages and pages of the breathy whispers of love into a world full of screams.</p><p>Maybe love was not enough alone to silence all of her demons, maybe it only made her oblivious to the darkness that would consume her when she was finally truly alone. Maybe all the flashes of emotion that Johanna had experienced did not mean anything at all, maybe they were only turning her screams into quiet whimpers of excruciating pain as she attempted to paste together the torn seams of the universe.</p><p>She was too tired to care, she was too in love with Katniss to care about what any of it meant. She had spent too much of her life pretending that darkness was all she had ever known to realize that she was running away from the sun. She had always been too afraid  of getting burnt to realize how good the sun's rays would finally feel on her skin. In the end, she was grateful to have felt it's warmth at all.</p><p>To love beautifully and messily is something that most people only dream of. To have a flame that burns constantly is a fantasy that most people never come close to touching. Johanna had held that flame in her hand and felt its warmth on her skin, she had felt the waves of the ocean and she had finally realized that it was so much better to bask in the heat than to run away from the flames.</p><p>Time is a temporary thing, it is something that does not forgive, the more that you ponder over things the more the past increases and the future recedes. Katniss’ skin was cold in Johanna’s lap, and soon enough hers would be that way too. She had had an infinity with Katniss, she had hushed whispers on her skin, she had the memories of a hand wrapped around hers.</p><p>The light from the window grew lighter as the night turned into day, the sun began to make its grand appearance, it turned the darkness of the night into a violent orange tinged with quiet brown mixtures. Birds announced that they had awoken from their slumbers, animals stretched and began to move around, crickets chirped and Johanna tightened her arms around Katniss as she waited for the darkness to completely consume her.</p><p>A yellow butterfly flew next to the window, the sunlight illuminated beneath its wings. There was a certain beauty in it, an illumination of enlightenment and all life’s wonders. In that moment she knew that there was so much more to life than simply surviving it. There is a patchwork of words and numbers and pictures, kept like photographs tucked neatly into the back pocket of the universe. Our lives are really no more than a patchwork of chapters, of infinities of moments buried beneath the ashes of more moments. We are no more, really, than skin and bones trained to get along.</p><p>Maybe that’s how it was supposed to be, maybe these are the crossroads that make our lives which lead to more and more roads. Maybe one day we will realize that no matter what road we take, we will end up in the same destination. Maybe humans are shouting into the black void of nothingness that awaits every one of us, but in darkness there is always beauty. There is nothing more beautiful than a love kept in the dark, kept close to our hearts and used as a blanket to warm us. Johanna loved Katniss like certain dark things loved and were meant to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul. And all that is because Johanna knew how to suffer, and in return she was taught how to love.</p><p>She had always known darkness, it lurked at the edge of her eyes and through the depths of sleep. It would never really go away, it would always lurk through the shadows that stretched far and long beside her bed, but she had found a way to live in the dark while embracing the light. There is nothing more beautiful than the way that mankind loves, completely and foolishly.</p><p>A bird's high cry echoed in her ear as one lonely heart beat slower and slower to the rhythm of a lullaby that was sung softly in Johanna's ear as she reminded herself that from her ashes there would arise a new heaven and a new wave of warmth.</p>
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